Expert: Melissa Durazo - 4/1/2008

Question
QUESTION: My girlfriend of 3 years took a job in California and moved there in August of 2007 from here in North Carolina where I'm in graduate school. We saw each other once per month after that until she broke up with me. She broke up with me with no warning or reason in November of 2007 and we talked in the phone once a month from then until now, with her telling me she missed me. This was a very trusting, mature, marriage-worthy relationship with NO appearant "issues." This past Easter (March, 2008), she asked to come see me as she was in town to visit her family for the holiday.  During her visit, I ascertained through a series of questions that she had cheated on me with a random guy she met at a concert in September, 2008 and continued to have sex with him for months after that.  While telling me this, she was crying and apologizing and said she felt terrible, that she loved me, etc.  I'm in emotional agony right now. It's almost unbearable, but she keeps calling me and wants to talk to me.  I'm not sure if she wants to get back together with me or what her motivation is, but I'm not sure what I'm capable of here (i.e. forgiveness, taking her back, etc.).  She lives 3000 miles away anyway! How do I handle this, and what do I do about her??? What could I possibly say to her, and is she likely to do it again?

ANSWER: Hi Philip,
As someone who was in in a 10 yr. relationship, who found out, after 7 yrs. of what I believed to be relationship bliss. that my man cheated on me with his co-worker......I sympathize with you. Because the blow came out of left field and I'm sure you were not expecting that from your girlfriend.
Sweetie, she is just trying to gain your sympathy and your forgiveness and I am pretty sure that she is still seeing this guy. She may say she loves you, but, if her love had been concrete, she would have never cheated on you in the first place. She broke up with you because it was convenient enough for her to do it. And, the fact that she gave you no explanation at all makes her a calculating, heartless person. And, now, she expects you to forgive her and accept her betrayal? She's done enough to you already. And, her calls and visits are only causing you harm. You need to let her go and cut her loose. Perhaps, in a year or so, once you have healed, you can be friends, again. But, she needs to let you go on living your life and leave you alone to heal. It is her loss that she is not with you. Not yours. You seem to be a great guy. And, I think it is time that you faced the world on your own and become a strong person without her. That will leave you open and prepared for someone who is going to be honest and respectful towards you.
I do not condone cheating. And, only those who have weak minds cheat. Staying faithful in a relationship is the biggest test in the world. And, that is something your girlfriend failed on. She failed you. Don't let her justify her cheating. She made the mistake and it is up to you to decide whether or not you still want her in your life or not. Be strong and don't let her tears and "I love you's" convince you. She needs to do a lot more than cry and tell you she loves you.
I know this is hard for you....After all, 3 yrs. is long time. But, it is better you know now, than to find out later when you're married to her. She doesn't deserve you. You just need to believe that yourself.
Take care, stay strong and keep me posted.....
~ M


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: p.s. Dear M, in talking with her during this whole thing last weekend, she told me that she's not talking to the guy she dated after me (had sex with another guy after me, although that's not my business) but said, "we're not friends, but, we've talked" in reference to the random guy from the concert with whome she cheated on me.  Do you think she's lying and that she's still having sex with that guy???

Answer
She needs to prove to you that she is trust worthy. And, I really don't believe she is ready to be faithful to you. Whether she's having sex with that guy or not isn't the question. It is what she has already done. And, that has been proof enough. You seem to really want her in your life. And, this is going to be a tough decision for you. But, only you can make that decision. All I can advise you is to take a healthy break from each other. Re-evaluate your past relationship, whether you can be friends or a couple again. But, she needs to grow up and realize she can't play with people's emotions. As for you, you need to be strong and stop being sympathetic to her needs. Other wise, the next time she sleeps with another guy, you are the one she is going to keep running to when she doesn't feel good about herself. And, you don't want to be THAT guy........The one every girl runs to when her life is falling apart.
Stay strong.......Stand your ground.......Demand respect.....
Good luck!
~ M