Expert: Don - 3/31/2008

Question
QUESTION: so... when reading all the other questions added on this sight i almost feel
silly being worried... but i am and here it it.... anyones comments would be
really helpful :). I Have been with my partner for a few years as a result of an
affair on my part previous to this relationship starting. Myself and my
boyfriend were great together for a long time but as the relationship grew
older the less he seemed interested. I noticed that he started to turn his
phone off more regularly and keep it on silent during the evenings and whilst
in bed rather than the norm of keeping our phones near the bed his would be  
in another room. so i questioned it and i was responded to a 'your losing
your mind what are you taking about'.
so i left it... Then for me to look him up on myspace.com to find that all of
my photo's been deleted and hundreds of messages from numerous women.
One in particular with referencing to mine and his relationship. calling me a
bitch and i should treat him right? cringing i continued to scroll down the
page for her to say cant wait for you to come and see me...... i love you so
much baby.....call me later... That point i flipped i could just about handle
online flirting but he actually gave his number out and mentioned he would
go and visit her. I went mad my first oppotuinity that i got i read all his
messages on his phone to find many off the mentioned girl and some from a
girls from work. i blew up he appologised and all was forgiven mainly he used
the excuse that he didnt actually cheat, against me and that i was over
reacting so i made peace he changed his phone number deleted his online
account and in time left his job. We are now engaged but i still a year on am
unable to let this go i dont mention to him but i am worried that it will
happen again. what does everyone else think? x

ANSWER: I think it will happen again. You did nothing to discourage him from doing it again, if anything you encouraged it by letting him come back so easily. Now that he knows you won't really do anything if he does this again, he'll do it again because he knows you aren't going anywhere. What's to stop him from just opening another online account, it's not exactly hard to do. You didn't punish him enough for his actions so don't be shocked if you catch him doing it again.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: thankyou for the reply. and i agree totally. Though what is the best option for
me to do now.... we are currently living together and for the most part things
are fine but i am finding myself constantly checking his phone and emails. i
have assured him that i will not except anything like what happened again
and i would leave and i meant it. nothing has happened since but i am
constantly paranoid. will i ever be able to forget in time or am i in a
relationship that i will never feel secure again?

Answer
If you feel the need to constantly check his phone or e-mail then he's not the man you should be with. Relationships are suppose to be built on trust and if you can't trust somebody you can't hope to be in a healthy relationship with them.

Being in a relationship like you are in that doesn't include trust will only lead to the two of you breaking up anyway. Either you're going drive yourself crazy because you're afraid of what he might do when you aren't around or if he's cheating on you or he'll get fed up with you spying on him and not trusting him and break up with you out of frustration.

That's what's going happen if you really don't trust this guy, so if you feel you'll never be secure again, then leave him now and save both of you some frustration and time.

It's obvious you don't trust this guy, so let him go and find yourself a man you can truly love and trust and not some guy you can't put your faith in.