Expert: Melissa Durazo - 4/3/2008

Question
My (ex) husband woke up one morning, told me he loved me and went to work. Later that afternoon he told me that he filed for a divorce. After laughing at him because I thought this was a joke, I realized he was serious. We stayed together for about 2 months after that, with me hoping the whole time that he would change his mind. Well, he didn't. Our divorce has been final for 2 1/2 months and I'm furious. First, I thought I'd get through this. I was sad, depressed, but I thought I was working through it. Now I've found out that he's dating (and lying about it to me and his parents and the preacher of our church) and he's in love, and it fills me with rage. I'm consumed with rage. And I'm raging even more because the girl he "loves" is a girl he used to talk to on the internet and they never quit talking while we were married. When we were married he had a nasty habit of checking out women online, chatting them up, telling them how hot they were, closing out of web pages when I'd walk in the room, getting off the computer if I came in, deleting all his emails so I couldn't read them. I know I sound jealous and I am, but I have to say in my defense, I wasn't ever jealous of what he was doing online while we were dating or first married. It was only after I found out he had accounts at places he wasn't telling me about (6 months after we were married I found out) Things got worse after I found out he was really interested in talking to one particular girl. After we worked things out, our marriage would get better, then it would be back to the same thing again...him talking to women and hiding it from me. It's been 5 months since I found out I was getting a divorce and I want to get over this. It's not healthy to me or to my kids. I want to move on. But I HATE him and I hate her. I look back on our marriage and every low point was either him talking to her or him talking to some other woman. What's wrong with me that he wasn't happy with me? How can I let go? I don't want to move again. I'm sick of moving my kids around, and I don't really think it will help. I've tried writing, thinking of all the mean things he's done to me and my kids, telling myself that he's basically a cheater, he's not worth my time...everything, I just want to hurt him...hurt them both. Please help me. I can't stand the way I feel towards him.

Answer
Hi Angela,
What you are feeling is normal. Only when the rage becomes unhealthy, where you want to physically hurt them does it become dangerous. And, I know, that although you are pissed at them, you wouldn't go through that sort of extreme. I would hope you wouldn't go to that extreme.
What he did to you was horrendous and unforgivable. But, you need to rise above this. Unfortunately, the warning signs were there. And, as women, we tend to look the other way. I feel for you. I've been there.
Rest assure he is doing the same thing to that other woman....So, don't worry, him & her will get their Karma.....
Put all your energy and focus on your kids.....When I went through my break up, it was my kids who suffered the most. And, I had no idea, because I was too involved in my pain, my hate and just trying to get back at my ex and his home wrecker. Now, two years later, I'm dealing with my kid's attitudes and separation issues. If your kids are at an age where they can go to counseling, I suggest that you take them. If they are toddlers, they are going to need you even more, because they are going to feel your ex's departure.
Also I suggest that you go to counseling, to vent and cry and do the things that will allow you to let go of this. It's not going to be easy. Even, I fall back on my hate towards my ex when I remember what an ass him and that chick are.......And, yes, I went to counseling, And, it did help......Sometimes, you can't see what's blocking you from moving forward, until you let someone help you. Surround yourself with friends and family members who care about you and your kids. And, know that you had nothing to do with what happened. You can't control another's will. You can only be responsible for your own happiness  and hope that the person you entrust with your heart is a good person.
Plus, he did you a favor, he left you wide open to a whole new world of possibilities! Once you work on healing your heart, you'll attract someone who is worthy of you. And, the next time, you'll be wiser.
I know that starting over is the most scariest thing in the world - look at me, I had to start over after 10 yrs.!! So many things run through your head and the majority of the thoughts aren't good ones, mostly negative. You just have to find your inner strength. Your will to survive and pick yourself off from the ashes.
I use to write long hateful letters to ex, but, I would never send them, I'd burn them. And, yes, I was tempted to put some sort of a hex on him to make him go impotent......lol...... I did everything and anything just to forget about him and her. In the end, it was my willingness to let things go that set me free. Everyone is different, though, so what worked for me, may not necessarily work for you.
I know you can rise above the chaos. And, you may not ever forgive him....But, you will have learned that being on your own far is better than being with someone who is going to make you miserable for the rest of your life.
Enjoy your kids, show them you're a strong mother....Give them a good example of what it is to be strong......Take care and keep me posted on your progress....
Best regards,
~ M