Expert: Melissa Durazo - 4/9/2008

Question
This is kind of a long story, I guess I'll start at the beginning.
My boyfriend and I have been together three years, we're 20 and 21.  Neither of us were the type to cheat, and especially him, because he was a little obssessed with me, as we usually are when we're in love.  Even his family and friends said that never has he even said a compliment about another girl since we were together.  At a little over two years of us being together, he began taking interest in this religion that really pushes against love, attraction, and relationships made for mental physical and emotional enjoyment and sex.  So slowly we were not romantic at all and he fell heavy into school and work.  It was very very difficult for him to do this, and it took him a long time to "be detached" from me.
I found out later in a diary that he'd left out that he wondered to himself if he was trying to "get somewhere" with one of our mutual friends, Lauren.  He hardly knows her, and I know for a fact that she doesn't even like him as a friend.  I confronted him about it very upset, because never would I have expected that, especially after how we had been all this time. He said that he wasn't, and he didn't know where his head was when he wrote that, but it definitely wasn't true. I believed him, but still think about it every once in a while.
About two months ago, I found another entry that he'd written in one of his binders about how he "needed a girl by his side who was so perfect" and who he had "real love" with.  I confronted him about that very angrily, and we talked about it.  He said that he was thinking about how it was when we first got together, and how everything was so magical.  He said that truly he didn't want to be like that, because when you're in love, it has control over you, and he doesn't want to be like that.  That was his conclusion at the end of the entry.
I feel in a way that I have been cheated on, and I don't really understand what's going on.  Later that same day he tells me "he has the kind of love for me that never ever goes away, and he cares about me so much and doesn't know what he'd do without me, and he's never thought about anyone but me.  I really just don't get it.  Does this count as cheating, since there's really no other person involved? Thanks

Answer
Hi Joanna,
It looks as if you have a very confused and indecisive boyfriend. Who has some expectation of what the "perfect relationship" is......In the real world, there is no perfect man or woman. No perfect relationship. There is no doubt that there was magic when you first got together, but, after a year or so, it fades and it's up to both of you to keep the "magic" going.......Let's be realistic, you aren't going to feel the same about someone as you did for them 2 yrs ago. You may love them. but, it's hard work to keep a relationship going. Love evolves, feelings evolve, people evolve. That's life.
You have been patient with his needs, as far as his religious convictions are concerned. I don't know what religion he is in, but, those religious standards doesn't sound realistic.
Now, as for his "diary" entries, these are just his thoughts. It doesn't necessarily reflect anything bad on you. Everyone is entitled to write their thoughts on paper. How else can we safely vent and then look back at it and analyze it's content? I wouldn't read too much into it and I don't consider it cheating, unless he is truly writing down what he is intending to do. It's normal to feel attracted to other people. It's only when we act out on those urges that we are in the wrong.
He is wrong as far as his views on love. Whatever that religion has put in his head, it really has got his way of thinking messed up. And, you are suffering the consequences. He has distance himself physically and emotionally. That is not a healthy relationship. And, that is not a way for you to live. If he is so afraid of love controlling him, what is he doing wasting your time? Love may make you do crazy things.....But, only if you allow it to control you. It is all up to the individual and their state of mind.
You and him really need to sit down and discuss where your relationship is heading. Where you see each other in 5 yrs. from now.
What expectations and commitment you want from each other.  If in the end, he is not willing to compromise with you and meet you half way, he isn't the one for you, sweetie. Let's face it, how can you be with someone who isn't emotionally attainable?
As far as cheating on you, I don't believe he has cheated on you. But, he has cheated you out of a loving relationship that can only flourish if you allow Love to control you just a little bit.
Talk to him, set things straight and don't allow him to keep you guessing about your relationship......You deserve better than that.
Good luck and let me know how it goes....
~ M