Expert: Melissa Durazo - 4/6/2008

Question
My husband and I have been together for 9 years, married for 5 and earlier this week I found out that he tried to cheat on me with one of my best friends and may or may not have succeded in cheating on me with some other girl that was at my friend's house.

He had went over because sometimes he and my friend's husband drink together. That's not really a habit but it's not completely out of the ordinary either. We all have this rule, because we've lost some good friends to drinking and driving, that if you're drunk you stay where you are even if someone has to hide your keys. So I almost expected him not to come home, which he didn't. I wasn't worried though, I was never a jealous type to begin with and I trusted him. I just thought that he and my friend's husband were drinking together, talking, watching some sports event or whatever they do.

The next morning he comes home, hung over, but he's acting very strange and being extra nice to me. Especially after he found out I talked to this friend just before he got home. But I was busy, I didnt really have time to dwell on it.

The day after that this friend of mine comes over and says she has been needing to talk to me but wanted to do it in person. She tells me that he was hitting on her, telling her how he had always thought she was so pretty, straight out asking her if she'd ever consider sleeping with him and how they'd have to sneak around to accomplish that. She said it surprised her because no one expected this kind of behavior from my husband, and after the initial shock went away she informed him that she was married to his good friend and that he and I were married and so on. So he gave up on hitting on her.

But her friend was there and after being shot down he starts following this girl around doing the same to her. Apparently she also questioned his marital status and he told her that his marraige wasn't doing so good anymore so it really didn't matter if he cheated.

So I'm sure that he did not have sex with my friend because I trust her, we've been friends since we were children. But I don't know what happened with this other girl that was there. She's single, a lot older than us, hasn't had a boyfriend in a long time, and not very attractive. Also I don't really know her, I dont know what kind of person she is. She could be a complete slut for all I know. I know they both stayed the night there even though the girl hadn't been drinking and could've easily drove home. I'm sure my friend would tell me if anything happened but she may not know, she had to sleep sometime.

Still though, even if he didn't have sex with anyone he still tried and that's a big red flag to me. When I confronted him he didn't lie but he didn't tell me anything I didn't already know either. He'd wait until I said something then agree but he wasn't adding to anything. I get the feeling he's leaving out a lot of details that no one else knows about.

He says he wouldn't even dream of doing that if he had been sober. And I believe that to an extent because I know he's not stupid enough to try something with one of my best friends because we all know that she'll tell me. The part I don't believe is that he keeps saying nothing happened and I don't know either way so I respond with 'but it would have if you hadn't been rejected by them'. He says it wouldn't have. I don't buy that. I'm not dumb. I know you don't just beg a girl to have sex with you and when she agrees you stop. People don't try something if they don't wish to succeed at it.

Then he started turning it around on me saying that if he were getting laid at home it would've never even happened. And that when I go out alone I get hit on by strangers all the time and he never gets any female attention. So that's justification?

Also I'm bothered by the fact that he was going around telling everyone that his marraige "wasn't doing so good". Really? No one told me that. I thought everything was fine, it seemed fine.

My question is, given the information you have to go on, does this seem like a deep rooted issue or was it really just as simple as he was drunk and horny and there were women in front of him?

Answer
Your husband obviously has a problem......And, is using alcohol as an excuse for his actions. I'm sorry, but, your husband is being sneaky and selfish. And, daring, too, if he thinks he could get away with hitting on your close friend. Second, why hasn't your friend reported this kind of behavior to her own husband? Your husband has step out of line and he needs to be put in his place. Unfortunately, you have the embarrassing task of putting a stop to it.
Your friend should have called you to warn you about her other friend and your husband staying at her house at the same time. Sure, she had to sleep sometime, but, as a friend, she had the obligation to let you know what is going on with your husband in her own house when other women are concerned. Not tell you after the fact.
Now, him telling people that his marriage isn't so good behind your back is a disrespect to you. Especially, if things were fine as far as you are concern. He's trying to get sympathy from anyone who will listen to him - especially women. The fact that he has turned this around on you and blames you for his behavior is a red flag that he is guilty of something. He is attempting to make you feel responsible for his awful actions by putting the blame on you. DON'T FALL FOR IT!!
He is in the wrong. Not you. He must understand he is hurting you. Whether he is drunk or sober. That is not an excuse to disrespect you.
He has a problem. Whether he wants to admit it or not. And, I am sure he wasn't drunk when he was going around telling people that his marriage isn't doing so good. He knows exactly what he is doing.
If you wish to save your relationship. Seek out a marriage counselor. Get down to the root of the issue and see if it can work out for both of you. Change things with each other. Have a date night. Try new & different sexual things together......Spruce up your marriage. If he is looking for excitement somewhere else, you may need to jump start your marriage as a team and do things differently than what you both have been doing the last 9 yrs. Men sometimes go through some strange changes after being with the same woman for so many years. The same goes for women. Just know, it's not your fault he is acting out in this way.
In the end, if nothing works for you both, after you have attempted to fix your marriage.....Then, the ultimate decision will be on both of you.
First, gather the strength to face what you are going through right now. Don't allow him to manipulate you into feeling bad. Take control of your marriage and put a stop to his behavior NOW. Don't wait another minute. Remember, you and him are suppose to be a team. And, if he isn't part of the team.......Then, I'm sorry, he isn't worth holding on to.
Good luck & keep me posted on your progress......Hope I helped out just a little bit....
~ M