Expert: Don - 4/10/2008

Question
I'm engaged to a guy and we live long distance.  Unfortunately I found out that he flirted online a couple of months ago when he got extreme family pressure to dump me over our age difference.  He handled the pressure in a stupid way by starting up a singles profile on a dating sight as a random experiment which he never used again.  

I got very upset about the flirting, it rocked my stability about him and I began to doubt the relationship.  I temporarily cut off the engagement but took him back soon after when he expressed the true desire to repair the damage done.  He's been absolutely fine and completely faithful to me since then.  However a change took place within me after that, I discovered that I didn't mention him to my friends anymore because I was still shaky.  Even though he's a very sweet, nice guy I would start thinking the worst about him and find myself harping about his negative points.  

Lately I've been feeling like I want to go out and have affairs, maybe to pump up my own self esteem or something, that's what my psychologist said.  What is wrong with me that I am starting to lead other guys on now?  I've actually been on some "dates" with two different guy friends.  I'm very attracted to both.  One held my hand for a little too long which made me feel guilty.  The other I thought wasn't interested at all in me and turns out that he actually is.  He asked if he could kiss me and I said only on the cheek.  I really want to get close with them because I have much in common and want to explore that.  

I find my fiance is not attractive to me.  I can't seem to hold my wandering eye anymore!  I look at guys all over the place.  I know my feelings are wrong.  If I listen to my heart I will definitely cheat worse than I already have!  It is not fair to these guys if I let things continue to progress with either of them.  I know at least one of them believes in monogamy but it seems like I don't anymore.  What do I do?

Answer
I think what you need is a break from your fiance because it sounds like you're not ready to be with one man and settle down. You should talk to him and tell him you need some time to be alone and to figure out what you truly, then you should date the two other men and see if they're more what you want.

If you break up with him prior to being involved with these other guys you eliminate the guilt you might feel from being involved with them.

After taking the break with your fiance you should date these men and see if they are more what you are looking for in a boyfriend or mate.

So until you know for sure that your fiance is the right guy for you, I recommend you end the relationship or at least put it on hold until you get your feelings together and know exactly what you want.

This way you avoid cheating on him and at the same time fulfill your need to be with other men and get rid of the wandering eye of yours.