Expert: Melissa Durazo - 4/9/2008

Question
Hi. My boyfriend of two years & I live together as well as work at the same company. This is both a blessing & a curse. I receive the bills for the cell phones & every call made/received by my bf is listed.  He talks to a pretty female client sometimes after work hours & on weekends sometimes.  They've even called each other at 11pm and 1am before.  I asked one time who he was talking to and he told me it was a guy friend of his. I knew he was lying & HE knew I knew he was lying but he still did.  The guy friend was actually the  pretty client. Then one day he got a call around dinner time and ran into the garage to talk.  He came back in and looked guilty of something.  he said it was his ex wife.  I said I knew it wasn't and to stop lying but he continued to lie.  Sure enough, once more, it was the client.  He gets very angry when I try to question their relationship.  I do it calmly & unaccusing when I ask him so I don't know why he is so mad.  Is he about to cheat?  I told him the fact that he kept their conversations hidden and then lied made me suspicious.  He says he hides because I'm jealous and he doesn't want to deal with it.  To which I replied that it's fine for him to have female friends but that it's not ok to keep them a secret.  I feel like I can't trust him and I'm afraid we may be over as soon as I can afford to move.  I guess I just want to know:  Does he seem like a cheater type by what I've described?  Why is he so angry about me wanting to know what their relationship is?

Answer
Hi Jennifer,
I hate to tell you this, but, that is a sign that there is something going on with him and that "client". You have every right to know what the nature of their friendship is. And, you don't sound like the jealous type at all. You sound very secure of yourself and he is taking advantage of that. Hiding his friendship with her isn't going to earn him points on the home front. Especially when he gets upset at you fro questioning it.
Perhaps, you need to ask the "client" yourself what the nature of their friendship is. Since, he seems reluctant to tell you. After all, that is her phone number on YOUR cell phone bill. Just be prepared for an argument with your man. And, if he doesn't want to "deal" with your jealousy, why even do what he is doing in the first place. Now, he is trying to turn this on you so you could feel bad about questioning him. Don't fall for that mind trip.
Never allow him to make you feel like you are the cause of his bad behavior. You live together, you work together and you are suppose to be building a trusting and loving relationship. Something, he is not doing 100% right now.
Confront him, again, without accusing him, of course. And, this time, don't tell him that you are suspicious, tell him that feel a great distance between you and him ever since he has begun talking to that "client". And, that you really are concerned about the the direction your relationship is heading. The client is causing friction and it is effecting you greatly. Not in a jealous way, but in a way that makes you feel that something may be missing from your relationship if he feels the need to carry on a "secret friendship" with her. Tell him you that you don't have a problem with him making friends, you have a problem with him having "secret friends". And, figure out ways how to enhance your relationship together, so he doesn't feel the need to look else where for emotional or physical support.
Right now, it seems as if he is in the "emotional" stage of their "friendship" and you need to nip that in the bud, before it gets to a physical one.
I use to be in the same boat as you once. The mistake I made? Thinking that my man was above cheating on me. And, thinking that the other woman would respect our relationship. I was wrong. If you wish to confront her, do it tactfully and don't attack her verbally. Calmly let her know who you are and inform her that she is over stepping her boundaries. That you appreciate her desire to be friends with your man, but, not at the expense of your relationship.
In the end, if he keeps acting secretive behind your back. You will have to make a very important decision. It's better to face the world alone, than to face it with someone who doesn't have your back 100% of the time. Why do you want someone who isn't going to respect your feelings and concerns?
Take care & good luck........Keep me up to date on your progress.
~ M