Expert: Don - 4/9/2008

Question
I've been in two relationships in the last 16 years. The first one was 4 years, the second was 11.  I've cheated throughout both relationships, but the second was only kissing and twice, oral sex.  It's hard for me to explain, but I've kept coming to the relationship.  I want to change, I want to be a better person.  I want to be the partner she deserves.  I've come clean with her, and she's accepted that we're seperating.  The problem is, I think I want to reach out to her again in a while.  Not that I want my cake and eat it too- I just want to find myself and reach out to her after I've figured some things out.  I know that if I tried to fix things now, it would be completely selfish, so...what's your perspective?  She's incredible, I'm a fool, I'm twisted up, she's devastated, am I destined to always seek validation in superficial relationships outside my main one?  What's the issue?

Answer
I think that you should break up with her until you get your mind together. It's not fair to her to be involved with a man that isn't sure what he wants right now and feels the need to go outside the relationship for something else. All you're going end up doing is hurting her in some way or another, so I think it's best you leave her alone until you can fully commit to her.

I don't really know what your issue is, it would be hard for me to figure it out without having some kind of detailed discussion with you, maybe you just aren't ready to settle down so you feel the need to go out and have fun outside your relationship. I don't know for sure.

What I do no is, if you truly don't want to be selfish and hurt this woman you are involved with, you should let her go until you are sure she's really want you want.