Expert: Melissa Durazo - 5/1/2008

Question
I moved from alberta to ontario to be with this girl amanda c. we had a good relationship for a year. we fought and we loved. any problems we had i was confident that we could work things out. She was my first lover we dated for 1 year before i found out on my birthday she was cheating on me with a man whom she used to throw in my face constantly. I couldnt forgive her i was so devistated i didnt say or do anything that day. She blamed it all on me. She packed her things and left my apartment which i bought for us to be with this guy. Hes ugly as sin and has no drive in life. I feel soo low,alone, and i have no selfesteem. I am always depressed and i want her in my arms constantly. i cant get her out of my mind. i stoped emailing and calling her a week ago and its hard i want to call her but i know she wont answer. she never did after we broke up. is like i have been eliminated from her life. i see that she is in love with this new guy and her messages on myspace state how they had sex all night it hurts to think that my only and first love could do this to me i wish ther was some way i could wake up. I want to know how i can get over her i have tried throwing anything away that reminds me of her and listening to music(not depressing music tho). but she is still on my mind. i want her to understand and feel what i am feeling so she knows the extent of hurt she has caused and mabye she can grow up and learn from it. i know we will never be back together but a part of me still wants her. please doc how do i hate the person who i loved the most.  its been 14 long days.

Answer
I'm going to be honest....Brutally honest.......And, there is no other way to say it......She doesn't care what she has done to you....And, this is something that you are going to have accept and understand. And, no amount of time you spend trying to make her see or understand the pain she has caused you is going to make her apologize or take you back.
Sometimes, love makes us do some very desperate things....Even I am guilty of doing it. But, in the end, you have to sit back and realize that some people aren't worth holding on to. No matter how much it hurts.
I was completely eliminated from my ex's life almost two years ago....Yes, I let him go. But, for the longest time, I kept expecting he would one day apologize for all the pain he caused me....He at least owed me that.....But, to this day, according to mutual people we both know, he acts as if I never existed. Not only that, he tells people that we just couldn't work things out as if he was oblivious to the fact that HIS cheating was the reason...
So, there isn't much you can do for a person who really has no remorse over what they have done to you. You can only take it as a lesson learned. Accept what has happened as a good thing. She did you a great favor. As for your self-esteem......The only thing I can say is that you need a great deal of healing and you may have to seek professional counseling if you continue to be depressed. And, yes, I went to a counselor and it helped me to deal with my self-esteem and depression.
Let her go. I know it is hard, but, you have no choice in the matter when something like this happens. The only choice you have is to work on yourself from the inside out. Focus more on the people who care about you and surround yourself with them. Make new friends. Be independent. Be strong. Gather yourself together and start to heal and love yourself. You don't need her or anyone else to validate you.
I know this seems like a long, lonely journey....But, in the long run, you are going to see that you are stronger than you thought you were.
Breaking up is painful.......That I can vouch for, especially, when you built your world around one person. Just know that no one is responsible for your happiness.....You need to be able to survive on your own.......
Good luck & keep me posted on your progress......
~ M