Expert: Melissa Durazo - 5/11/2008

Question
I have been dating someone for about a year.  We have everything in common but never noticed eachother before.  Once we met, we were amazed that we studied the same major, had similar friends, hobbies, were on the same track team participating in the same events.  It was like we were meant to meet.  We started our relationship and we pretty much with eachother all the time, not even by choice.  We occasionally had our bickers and arguments, but they were just speed bumps.

However, he has a annoying ex who will not go away.  Now he is too nice, and not just with her, but everyone.  It is sometimes hard to tolerate his nice and flirtatious ways.  The ex would show up random hours of the night ringing the door bells and banging on the apartment doors.  She was crazy! Tried running us off roads, and tried attacking me Christmas eve while I did last minute shopping!  The stories can go on and on..from her threatening to kill herself, to her becoming anorexic and losing 40lbs in a month.

All this to me are stunts to get him back.  And he feels sorry for her and becomes too nice.  I beleive she is misreable and if she is she wants him to be too!  I tell him that if she was with another guy she would not care about him at all, but since she is alone and he has moved on she wants to ruin things.  So he tried to be freindly with her but I never liked it.  i bit my tongue and hid my tears.  He would pick her up from the trainstation to drive her home.  Secret phone calls and texts.  It was not what I was use to.

now im 20, my boyfriend as well as his ex are 4 years older than me.  Im confused on why my maturity level is beyond theirs?  I can distinguish from right and wrong.  I know what commitment is and how to treat my significant other.

To cut this short, because I can talk your ear off with drama and nonsense.  He stopped talking to her and has been avoiding her (said it was for me).  But she does not stop.  The other day I decided to let him enjoy a guys night out and I would relax at home with my family.  While Im telling him to have fun be good and the girlfriend stuff.  I find out 2 days later he cheated on me with his ex.  That he told her to not come  over but she did anyway while he was sleeping and it happened.  However, he did not tell me, and continued to act like we were on cloud 9 together.  I just had an ugly gut feeling something was not right, checked his phone to find disturbing text messages from her about the night they shared.  I broke down.  The feeling and pain was unbelievable.  How could I be so naiive? So stupid?  So I found him and with a smile asked him to come upstairs to talk.  I broke down, pushing him away crashing down I was a mess.  I wish that feeling on no GOOD person.  He tried calming me down and talking to me.  I had to leave.  Several hours later he is still trying and I finally give him the chance to speak.

He explains why he never said he loved me.  That he didnt think he was in love with me and that he still had love for her.  He continued sayin he didnt want to lie and say he loved me.  I was confused and disgusted and asked why he was telling me more upsetting information?!?  He then said he realized Im the one he loves and that he made a horrible mistake.  That it wasnt worth it and that unfortunately this was his way to realize his love was me.  He said he wouldnt be able to live his days without me.  That I am who he loves and wants to make a family with.  And he said he didnt love her and apologized over and over and said he would prove to me that he can treat me better. That I deserve better and that he begs for a second chance to show he can do it.  He voluntarily called and told her to never come around him or try contacting him again.  

Its hard and confusing.  I dont know how to handle this.  I dont want to be a fool and just fall for the "i love you" line.  But i have such strong feeligns for him and its hard to turn my back and walk away to something i put SO much time and effort into.  I just dont want to set myself up for failure and have something horrible like this happen again.  What do i do?

Answer
If I were given a dollar for all the times my ex called his current girlfriend and told her to take a hike....I'd be a rich woman.....
He is lying to you & he is stringing you along......And, he is using all types of lame excuses to validate his actions.....
You need to open your eyes and see that he isn't a good man.....And, the fact that he has cheated on you proves it.......And, he is going to tell you whatever is going to make you take him back.....So, don't fall for it. Demand respect.....And, don't give him the power to make a fool out of you......You really deserve better treatment.....
Good luck.....
~ M