Expert: Melissa Durazo - 5/6/2008

Question
QUESTION: My boyfriend and i have been together for a little over a year now. We were the best of friends prior to taking the next step in our relationship. I still consider us the best of friends. We told each other everything and knew everything about each other. He always said we had this special relationship, something so unique and he tells me he loves me like he's never loved another woman. So how can someone feel those type of feelings and hurt me so badly? About six months ago I found out through some instant messages going back and forth between him and my friend that he cheated on me with her! I have never felt such a betrayal from the man in my life and from a friend who claimed she respected me so much. How could they do such a thing to me? The words I read were very hurtful as he talked badly of our relationship which he tells me were all lies. The words so graphic that I still have them embedded in my mind. How could he love me so much yet sleep with my friend then be with me and then go back and sleep with her. From what I understand there was four encounters between them. What hurt me most is that I thought we had this special bond as he said a relationship so unique and full of love. How could he have hurt me so bad? The timing couldn't have been any worse, we were both going through something personal (losing our baby as I was 7 weeks pregnant)...I came to find out that she was the one contacting him, she admitted that much but he didn't put a stop to it. I did forgive him and I ended my friendship with her. The dilemma starts here: Her daughter is my niece whom I'm very close to, so from time to time I hear her name and it just boils my blood. Just recently I saw her since this happened and she tried talking to me and asking me for forgiveness but I couldn't bare looking at her. So how do I forgive my boyfriend whom I now live with? I forgave him because I love him and truly believe he is a different man. He has done so much to show me he has learned from his mistake and it would not ever happen again. Although I forgave him and we now live together and plan to be together how to I learn to let go? It is obvious that I haven't completely forgiven him since it still hurts and I still get very angry about it. How do I move on? How do I mend my broken heart? I found out six months ago but all this happened in the month of may of last year so all I can think of now is events that happened last year and it all is coming back to me and hurting me so much. I can't do this to myself and its not fair to him if I keep getting angry about it. What do I do? I love him and I no longer have a friend, she was the one contacting him so I blame her more for it, but he fell for it... I don't know what to do. How do I fix this?

ANSWER: If you really forgave your guy, you wouldn't be dwelling on this mistake.......You are still hurt and you really need to to heal. Because you haven't really forgiven him.
You need to give yourself time. And, you really need to talk this out with your guy. Otherwise, your relationship isn't going to survive.
If he has done everything to make amends and she is out of your life completely.......Then, you need to deal with your emotions. Because, it's not fair to you or him. You can't say you've forgiven him and then keep shoving it in his face. Yes, he lied and cheated....But, you chose to forgive him., And, that is the risk you are taking by "forgiving" him......He may or may not do it again......But, if you keep acting out over it....He may just go ahead and do what you think he may or may not be doing.....
Re-evaluate your situation with your guy. And, learn and grow from the experience.....Don't keep falling back on to the past.......What's done is done....You can only move forward.....
Good luck.........
~ M

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: thank you for you're answer, very insightful, my questiion, is there a time limit? I mean if a year goes by and I still feel the same is that a sign to move on? yes I said I forgive him because in my heart I love him and can't see my life without him. I will never forgive her so I need to learn to let go and stop this hurt I just don't know how? I don't want to lose him.

Answer
If you can't forgive him and move on.....then, you should not be in a relationship......You need to heal emotionally.....You need to love yourself and be able to secure in yourself before you can continue with a relationship........And, if you can't move on, and as of yet, he hasn't given you another reason to doubt him, you will lose him......Perhaps, you need time on your own to evaluate yourself , your emotions and your relationship...You need to work on YOU first.....This is all that I can tell you....You can't heal if you won't allow yourself to do so...
Good luck.....
~ M