Expert: Melissa Durazo - 5/14/2008

Question
I m currently going out with a guy whom I don't know if I really like. I feel he is manipulative and is being polished in front of me but that's not what he is really like.

I just said yes, because one, I felt badly in the need of a companion
then, two, I had never been asked out and I badly wanted a feel of
what it feels like to be in a relationship.

I went through a two year low esteem period, after a very close male
internet friend suddenly stopped talking to me and also spread rumors
that I was madly liking him. Though I did pursue him during his
silence, that was in the confusion of why my friend stopped all
communications abruptly, and not because I liked him. Though I did
have immense respect for him and used to get very excited to talk to
him, it was out of the trust that I had such a senior person as a very
close friend. (He was 6 years older and very intelligent with lucent
scientist award. I was a nerdy high schooler then and I admired it. I
used have a lot of emotional and heavy syllabus burden and used to
pour out my crazy woes to him, which today, I look back and feel
stupid for. But whatever it is, I didn't think it is rational. I was
just a high school girl and he was the one who made international
phone calls almost every alternate day to talk to me. Then one fine
day he suddenly become unavailable and unreachable. After 8 months,
when I was able to contact him again, he says he got busy. On a social
networking site, his friends ask if this is the girl who has a crush
on you. I thought it was crazy. I needed an emotional outlet during my
crazy teen days. If he didn't want it, he could have told me to get
lost, instead of being a nice, elderly, gentlemanly guy in front of me
and being a cheap attention "wanna be" and go around telling people
that girl loves me or some nonsense ) I didn't think someone who I had
such high opinion of, would go around saying that especially after he
knows, that he is so old and way shorter than me.

But yes, I must admit , I was fascinated by having him. But I can't
say it was a crush and anything close to it. He used to talk about his
crushes and love life and we got along at a buddy level. It was weird.
Looking back, I realized, he just used me for some companionship that
time. Soon after he stopped talking to me, there were a lot of his old
buddies moving into his town and he got busy and had fun with them. I
never imagined this. But would a guy do so much for just some
companionship. It was so much money spent over international calls. I
used to save up and call up at times too. I didn't have much cash
though and calling rates from my country were higher.

And I know it's stupid but I feel very hurt and low each time I think of it.

I feel maybe I decided to get myself a boyfriend because I could fill
the gap. The guy I m dating now, asked me out, perhaps because he felt
I would say a yes. It was like if she says yes, I go out with her, if
she is going to say no, I m not going to ask her out. He waited and
asked me out only after he was dead sure I d say a yes. But I told
him, I wasn't sure on how serious I could be about this as I plan to
get married many years later and no time soon. He said it doesn't
matter and that future can be thought of in future. Now, we both know
it that we are dating or u can say having a relationship, with no
plans of marriage.

Though this seems normal to many people, I want to know if I should
give up on this. We don't really have any problems , except that I
feel we are just mutually providing companionship, which some people
may misunderstand as time passing with each other?

I feel he is more emotionally balanced. He first attends to his career
and family needs and then spends time for me. I seem to try and give
him  and my relationship the best.
And I am in a more crucial stage in my career than him. My entire
family are practically working towards my success and if I didn't I am
letting down my whole family and what they ve all worked for so long.

I know I have two options- One be chilled out about this relationship.
Everyone needs a companionship. I have him when I need him. But, here
I ll need immense self control and try to keep him after all my
priorities. The self control and discipline is the need of the hour.
Two- get over him. Tell him, I dont think this not-serious
relationship is needed. But then at times, when I feel I want a
somebody in my life, I ll have to go through the gap..

What do you suggest?

Answer
Sometimes, we tend to confuse co-dependency with the need to be loved.....It is normal to feel wanted and to know someone is there at the end of the day. But, in the end, you still lack what you were missing in the first place. I believe you need time on your own to figure out what it is like to enjoy being on your own. To feel secure in your own skin. To be in control of your life without depending on someone to make you feel good.....
You may be inexperience and that is why you seek out another's attention, when in reality, you really don't know what you want......Companionship is one thing, leading someone on is another...And, if your intentions to this person are not serious, don't waste his or your time......We all need friends and loved ones to be there when we need them....But, you can't depend on them 24-7 to get you through the day...Re-evaluate your situation....Lay down the boundaries of your relationship with each other....And, if all you want is someone to pass the time, let it be understood as such. That way, no one gets hurt.....
Good luck, and keep me posted on your progress....
~ M