Expert: Don - 6/12/2008

Question
My boyfriend and I have been together since the beginning of January. We
have only been together for five months. I'm nearly twenty one and this is my
first serious relationship, and the first time I have ever been in love, as
cliched as that may sound.

Two days ago I found out that my boyfriend cheated on me with a girl he
used to be friends with, around two months into our relationship. Things
have changed between us a lot since then and become far more serious, we
practically live together, have been making so many plans for the future, and
have been so much closer and happier than those first two or so months. But
I was shattered to hear about it, and am most hurt that while rumours were
going around he always denied it, and I always gave him the benefit of the
doubt and it turns out he kept lying to me.

He claims he lied about it because he was terrified of losing me. He claims he
did it because back then he wasn't taking us as seriously. This hurts me
because I don't feel I could ever cheat on someone, serious or not. When he
finally told me the truth he became so distraught at the idea of us breaking
up that I felt like I was comforting him. I don't want to break up with him,
because I feel like he is truly sorry and would never do it again. But I am still
so hurt that it happened before.

I have always been a strong believer that once a cheater, always a cheater. I
guess what I am feeling insecure about is, is it silly for me to think we can
work past this? Am I allowing myself to be a pushover by trying to trust and
forgive him, or am I looking at our relationship as a mature and serious
prospect, with the belief that trust can be rebuilt and we can not lose what we
have? I know it sounds as though he didn't value what we had to cheat in the
first place, but I just feel like things have changed so much since it happened,
and I truly believe he loves me and wants to work it out. How can I stop the
hurt and betrayal I feel eating away at our future and happiness?

Answer
Hey if you think he can change then go for it and let the past go. The key to trying to move past the betrayal is by stop dwelling on what happened in the past. You need to focus your mind on the present and the future. If you think this guy has really changed for the better and won't do it again, then you need to forget about what he did and focus on doing what you can to make your relationship a success. It's all about focusing your mind on the future and forgetting about the past.