Expert: Don - 6/24/2008

Question
I've lived with my boyfriend for four years and dated him for seven. I don't want to break up with him.  I love him and he has always taken care of me.  I do feel that one day we will start a life together.  However lately we have not been getting along and I am starting to get impatient with the progress of our relationship.  I have started hanging out with my girlfriends more to give us some space.  This is something we both agree with and have done periodically in our years together.  I have always been a strong believer that monogamy is not the end all be all of a relationship and have even gone as far in the past as to tell him if he were to stray to be safe and not tell me.  

Through hanging out with my girlfriends more I have found that I really enjoy male attention and flirting to a slight extent.  I've been working on my figure and dressing nicer. Generally my confidence is higher.  My boyfriend does not seem to notice however even though I am trying to use this confidence to bring us closer. He is still pretty distant at times.  

Recently I met someone who is about five years younger than myself and have become completely infatuated. Overtly flirting, small caresses, making extra efforts to see him, are fantasizing, etc.  He is entirely different from my boyfriend and I have an extreme physical attraction towards him. I have never felt this for another man while with my boyfriend.  This man knows that I have a boyfriend and engages in flirting with me anyway.  We have even joked around about kissing and touching each other. But he does have slight reservations at times.  On top of this he is a great guy with a good personality.  

Ideally I would like to remain friends with him and allow for the possibility of a purely physical, drama-free, no strings attached affair.  I have never wanted anyone more on such a sexual level.  How do I suggest this affair to this him? How do I keep this separate from my relationship?  

Answer
You should be up front and honest with the guy you want to have an affair with. Tell him that you don't want on leaving your boyfriend but you are very physically attracted to him and want to engage in a purely physical relationship. To avoid hurting him or leading him on you have to make sure he understands that the relationship between the two of you has no real future and would be solely based on a physical thing. Then it's up to him to go with it or not, just make sure he knows beforehand.

As far as keeping it away from your boyfriend, just use good judgment and precautions. For example, always protect yourself when having sex with this other guy so you don't accidentally bring home any disease to your boyfriend. Never invite the other man over to your home to engage in anything sexual or at all. Have set times to contact him, so that he won't be calling you all hours of the day and night so your boyfriend won't get suspicious. And most important don't let the affair interfere with your regular sexual relationship with your boyfriend. Those are a few tips that can help you keep him from finding out.