Expert: Melissa Durazo - 6/25/2008

Question
ive been in a relationship with my now fiancee for 3 1/2 yrs and i admit ive cheated on her very early in the relationship twice but really i didnt have the feelings for her as i do now and recently ive found out she cheated on me just before christmas with a work man that was working on our flat at the time (in my own flat) and i was really angry and to b e honest ive not been the best boyfriend ive also been violent towards her on numberous occassions but i really love her and she wants another chance but i keep gettin mental images in my head and also the fact that i never ever thought she wud do this please try and help me through this mine field

Answer
I think it is time that you both took the time to review this relationship. The fact that you cheated early on in your relationship, only proves that you weren't ready for a commitment. And the fact that she has done the same to you only proves she isn't ready for the commitment, either. You may have intense feelings for her now, but, since, you can't accept what she did...You are not ever going to. And, that is going to be a disaster in the long run. Does she know you cheated earlier in your relationship? And, how do you think she would react if she found out? You aren't the victim here, since you are guilty of doing exactly the same thing she has done. If you feel this a relationship worth saving, I suggest you seek a relationship counselor to figure out the bad feelings and hurt.......Also, if your relationship has been violent, you may want to seek anger management classes.....Some counseling works, some doesn't....It all depends on your willingness to change...I can admit that I had self-esteem  counseling 4 yrs. ago, because I was in an abusive relationship, too. It worked for me and made me value myself more. You need to value yourself as a person, before you can value another human being. And, I don't see you or your girlfriend valuing each other......Please take my suggestion, if you truly care for each other, you will attempt to make things better for each other....
Good luck....
~ M