Expert: Melissa Durazo - 7/14/2008

Question
Me and my boyfriend are in our early 20's and we have been 2gether 4 three years. He cheated on me 1st 2 years ago but he said it was because he thought i was cheating because i have alot of male friends...so i understood in a way and stayed with him. But just recently as my trust for him was starting to gradually come back he cheated on me again. With a much older woman while he was drunk...wel so he says. And he also blames this one on me aswel. I dont no what to do i am still with him at the moment as i do love him very much but i also ask myself everyday why? and how could i let this happen? My confidence has dropped and im not happy anymore. Maybe we need some counselling or something because i can see he wants 2 make this work.

Answer
First off, I am so sorry for the delay of my response......
I truly hope I can help you out!
It looks like to me that the only way your guy can justify his behavior is by making you feel guilty about it by putting the blame on you. Instead of taking responsibility for his own actions.
And, unfortunately, you have taken it upon yourself to carry that blame. Which is unfair. Because, it is not your fault that your guy is a liar and a cheat. And, if he has to justify his behavior by saying, well I thought you were cheating on me or I was drunk....Then, he is the one who has a problem, not you.
I know you love him very much. And, perhaps, counseling may help you both out. Counseling is good. And, perhaps, he will see things differently and realize he has hurt you. If you aren't happy and your confidence has dropped, then, you my dear, need time to heal. And, it is your responsibility to make yourself better. Even, if it doesn't work out between you and him. Because, no one should be responsible for your happiness, except for you. Do not rely on him to make you happy. You are worth so much more than that and you don't need anyone to validate that for you. Do you not believe that you deserve better?
Trust is earned. And, he has made it harder for you to trust him. And, if he really wants to save this relationship, he will join you in couples counseling and attempt to make this work for both of you.
But, if this does not solve your problems and insecurities, then, you must accept that it is the end and you must be strong and not allow anyone to make you feel as if you made a mistake for walking away. Because in the long run, YOU come first. And, that is all that matters: YOUR HAPPINESS........
Good luck and be strong.......
;)
~ M