Expert: Melissa Durazo - 7/29/2008

Question
I'm a 34 year old married woman. I've had two sexual partners before I got married. The first was the love of my life. Still, I wanted him to marry me so I didn't really give myself to him. The second was a nobody. So when I got married 3 years ago, I was still a virgin. I was hoping those days would be history the first time I slept with my soon-to-be husband. He just happened to be insecure about his sexuality, so it didn't happen. The sex happened later, ofcourse, but not long or deep enough. I cried myself to sleep for days. The embarrassment was unbearable. But later I decided that we love eachother so sex may not matter much. He certainly was and is the only man who paid all sort of sacrifices to be with me. I was also hoping we'd get round to it someday, that we'd manage to figure & enjoy it somehow. Only we never did. We had sex like every other month for the 1 year we lived together. And even for that, my husband has to work so hard not to ejaculate pre-maturely or stay hard long enough to satisfy me. It, ofcourse, took next to nothing to make me reach orgasm. But it left me feeling inadequate and my marriage a joke for we weren't able to enjoy sex as much as we thought we would, and I was still a virgin.
I know what you'd be thinking. But here is the truth of the matter: I love my husband and my husband loves me. We are so much alike and we want the same things from life. I've been told repeatedly that I'm sexual and He is not impotent. Even if the knee-weakening chemistry I had with my ex is missing between us we are sufficiently attracted to eachother. We are both healthy and the size is more than ok. But something seems to have gone wrong in his sex life since it doesn't seem to come naturally to him as it does to me. So… anywho.. after a year of almost non-sex life, my husband left for Canada. I've been living for almost two years alone now. 34, married & still a virgin. Missing the intimacy I had with my first boyfriend. Missing being kissed. Being made love to. Wondering how long I have to live this life, what sort of miracle would fix it, etc. My husband, on the other hand, seems quite satisfied. He used to be so apologetic about our sex life when we were together, for he feels guilty most of the time. Now, he doesn't even mention it. It's as if he thinks I don't care much about sex, after all we been planning for our sex life before we first slept together. But I do. And a few months ago somebody came into my life. He isn't the type of guy I want to live with. Nor have I any intention of hurting my husband. But I have always wanted to sleep with this guy and now he told me he does too. I feel like if I don't use this chance while my husband is away, about a man he'll never find out, I'll die a virgin. What's worse, that I will never enjoy sex as I should ever again. Couple's therapy and working on our sex life has been suggested. But my husband is simply not interested to talk about sex. He avoids it as long as he can. And if I dared mentioned it, he starts feeling he's impotent and stops talking. It's as if the subject of sex makes him feel less of a man. And since he knows about my ex, and thinks he's a better man than him already (my ex was older than me, unlike my husband, and had everything going for him) I doubt we'd ever be able to laugh again. So I'd rather pretend everything is ok with us, for everything else is, and die within. Or cheat on my husband. Should I feel guilty? Or am I justified in cheating on my husband?

Answer
Please forgive the delay in my response.......
Well, I do not condone cheating. Even if it justified. And, you are only hurting yourself and those around you. Perhaps, you and your husband should seek counseling. That is the best thing I can recommend for you both. Obviously, you are in pain and your husband may not be aware of it. Having and unsatisfactory sex life is an awkward thing in a relationship. And, if your husband were to find out about your cheating, it is gong make him feel even less of a man because he can't satisfy you the way you wish he could. Get help for each other. And, if you truly love your husband, end your cheating relationship and work on your relationship at home. You both deserve a chance to try and save your relationship first.
Good luck....
~ M