Expert: Melissa Durazo - 8/8/2008

Question
QUESTION: hi, I am in a situation that i feel stuck and I cant seem to move on. My boyfriend that i've been dating for the past year has cheated on me with his ex wife. They have 2 kids together and one on its way, here is the full story. We live together since december of 2007. He was my first boyfriend 16 years ago and then we got back together after 16 years.He and his ex split up because she was unfaitfull for a year. He cheated on me in the month of february 2008 with her and they were divorced at this time already. On 1st April this year he started crying telling me he is moving out he miss his kids i didnt understand what was happening because our relationship was good and he saw his kids on a regular basis. that same week i tried to commit suicide 3 times, i landed up in hospital for depression. On 6 april this year i came home and he moved out. When i came from hospital in april still not knowing what happend he came back asked me for a chance because he cant be with out me, while i was in hospital i discovered i was pregnant. On 29th april this year he told me the reason why he moved out as he couldnt put me threw that pain and suffering. He cheated on me with his ex wife and she is now pregnant. That tore me apart taking into account i just came from hospital im pregnant i was torn. He told me that it happend once and it was the biggest mistake of his life. i know that he is really sorry and i can see the sincerity on his face and i can see that he is torn apart due to this situation.On 3rd May this year i lost my baby due to stress.She is still pregnant now they will be having 3 kids. she lives with his parents as she has no where else to go. Me and my boyfriend live together, however all his clothes is not at home. He claimes that he is so scared that he will see me in a state fighting for my life and therefore he doesnt want to bring all his clothes home.He use to sleep in the same house where she resides with his parents for the sake of the kids.That has stopped for the past 2 weeks as they are constantly fighting.He use to sleep there for the sake of the kids. She is aware of our relationship and she was aware at the  time the infidelity took place.Honestly i dont know how to deal with this situation, i dont speak to anyone about how i feel not even to him.I have these weird thoughts of why couldnt she go for an abortion and i wish her child dies same way mine did and that is not the type of person that i am. i hate the thoughts i think about the cheating almost everyday and i get chills running down my spine thinking of it.I love him and we are happy this situation i just tarring me apart.I even told him that i dont want to hear nothing about that child that she is carrying.I dont care what happens to that child because i dont see that child as being a part of my life as that child will be a constant reminder of his infidelity.This is a weight that i carry around everyday of my life.I am filled with so much hatred and anger that its clouding my vision.I dont feel sorry for her or that child.I dont know how to deal with this because i am filled with anger.I keep everything to myself and dont open up to anyone.I want to remain in this relationship but i dont know how to work threw this sitution. I told him that i forgive him and we should try and work threw this.I go threw his phone to check for messages and calls if any calls was made to her.I sit at work and think what if he didnt go to work and he is with her, but i know in my heart that he is at work.My insecurity has gotten the better of me. that child is going to be born in november or december and i know he would have to be there for her, because their second child will only be a year old in november.I even blocked myself from crying and i keep busy to not think about my situation. i feel that i hate him but love him at the same time..I am not in space where i can forgive her and have peace i dont feel sorry for her and dont even acknowledge that child..im not going to pretend that i want to sit down and at least try and be civil with her for the sake of their kids because i dont feel that way..I know i am pretending to be ok when i am not but that is to help me get threw it..But what makes me worry is that when i snap and start facing whats happening i dont know what will happen to me. Please help me as i dont know what to do anymore.

ANSWER: I'm so sorry you are going through this. You can't be angry at the unborn child, sweetie. It is not that child's fault that the father is irresponsible. And, for now, you should forget about trying to save the relationship with him. You need to think about your own baby. And, whether you like it or not, all 3 of you, Mr. Cheat, yourself & the ex wife will be bound to each other fro the next 18 yrs.
It's up to you to take control of your life. You can't be harming yourself by trying to commit suicide. I have been there, and, honestly, it just leaves you feeling bitter and empty inside.
Perhaps you should go to counseling. Work on your self esteem. Become a stronger woman and show that jerk that you don't need him in your life. Because you deserve better. And, when you start believing that you deserve better, you are going to do great things with your life - not just for you, but for your child. Surround yourself with good people. Friends and family who love you and won't judge you. So, that you baby has a chance to have a better life than his/her half brothers & sisters.....
Good luck, be strong, stand up for yourself and your baby.....And, keep me posted on your progress.....
~ M

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi,  I dont have my baby anymore, my baby died on 3rd May 2008

Answer
OMG!!...I'm so sorry...Sometimes, it is hard for me to read very long emails, so I try to condense them so I can get an idea of what is going on.....And, honestly, as I re-read your email again, I had to re-read your email more than 4 times before I caught the part of when you lost your baby...I am very sorry for your loss. I lost my baby in Jan. of 2005 and I know how painful that must of been for you....
I truly hope he is out of your life for good. You deserve to heal and be loved by someone who is really going to appreciate you. Be strong.
I know it is hard to accept the advice of others...But, sometimes, it helps when someone on the outside is looking at the situation from a different point of view....Even, I have been going through tumultuous times right now....My ex, after 2 yrs. came back into my life to try to give me "closure" and ended up just hurting me even more in these last two weeks than he has in the 10 years we were together....So, you see, we are all human. We make mistakes and we end up with the wrong people. And, even allow the wrong people to come back into our life from time to time....In the end, you have to love yourself more.....And, you can't hate a child who really has no fault for what it's irresponsible parents are doing to you.....If you stay with him, even if you accept the child...It is going to eat you up inside....Until, you can't stand it anymore. While he keeps being selfish and having no consideration for what he has done to you.....Life happens, good or bad. And, sometimes, bad people are like a cancer. And, there has to come a time when you have to face that cancer and get rid of it.....
BE STRONG.....
~ M