Expert: Melissa Durazo - 9/6/2008

Question
QUESTION: I recently found out that my husband was having an emotional affair with a woman he works with and with more digging that he had a physical affair with one of my friends. He cheated on me 8 months before I found this all out and both of them are giving me two stories. I don't know who to believe, if either at all. I have two young kids and want to be with him, but with his "guilt" he wants a divorce. The girl moved far away so I know it is not for her, he is afraid I will keep bringing it up. I don't know what to do anymore.

ANSWER: He told you because of his "guilt" he wants a divorce? I would have expected counseling, not a divorce. Unfortunately, your husband is going to do what he wants to do. Whether you agree or not. The best you can do is be strong for your children. If he refuses counseling, instead of divorce, then his reason for wanting a divorce is a selfish one, that will only benefit him.
Be strong. Don't let him make you feel like you don't deserve better and  
stand on your own two feet. Do not depend on anyone to make you happy.
He truly does not deserve you.....And, if it ends in divorce, which I know that is not what you want, don't let that determine the end of your life. See it as a new start to better things to come.....
~ M

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: He says he regrets it and can never make it up to me, that I will never love him the same. The physical affair happened the first month that he met this woman and his excuse is that it was fun and new. He says it wasn't worth what he has lost now that I moved home 6 hours away from where he is. The affair all happened in my house while I was home asleep right upstairs. That type of pain I just can not forget. I love him but I do not feel that he has learned anything. I ask him to prove that he loves me, to show me it is just me and no one else and he says I am a controlling cruel person that is just trying to beat him down with what he has done and I need to prove I still love him. Should I just cut my losses and only deal with lawyers to handle us, or is there anything to salvage here. I feel stupid or delusional that I still want it to work but he wants me to be the one to file for divorce. I have told him if he wants it that he needs to file and he has not.

Answer
I think you should read the follow up message you just sent me.....Do you see anything wrong with it?
Ok, if you don't see what I see, I will tell you. First off, you have just allowed him to put the blame on you again. Second, you've just allowed him to make you feel guilty for making a decision that is going to benefit you in the long run. He's right when he says you aren't going to love him the same again. Nothing will ever be the same again. Either you work it out or you move on. But, it will never be the same. You don't have to prove ANYTHING to him. It wasn't your fault. First he asks you for a divorce because he feels "guilty", now that you are moving forward, he has changed his mind about it and has left the decision of divorce up to you. Do you know why? Because, he knows you won't do it. That's why he has switched things around on you.  Men tend to do that when they feel they are losing control of a situation. They make you think that the decision is up to you, when in reality, they are trying to regain control. He could change his mind about it later on and decide to file divorce proceedings himself if he tires of you again. Just be aware.
You are going through a very painful time. And, he isn't allowing you to heal, grow and move on from this. He wants you back? Then, HE needs to work on getting you back. HE needs to work on getting your trust back. And, HE needs to go to counseling, individually and as a couple in order to make it work. But, for now, HE needs to be on his own for a while without you to figure out what he really wants. And, YOU need to stay from him for a while and focus on your family and yourself. Be selfish for once with yourself. You deserve better and you don't need someone making you feel as if your to blame for the mistakes THEY did.
In the end, the decision to keep him in your life is really yours - no matter what I advise. We all have free will. And, trust me, I have kept guys in my life that I know they have business being in my life. But, we're human...And, I understand that when you love someone, it's hard to imagine a life with out them.....You just have to be strong and love yourself more in the process......
Good luck.....
~ M