Expert: Melissa Durazo - 9/9/2008

Question
Hello, i am a 20 year old gay man. i have been with my 25 year old fiance for
over a year and a half now. i will tell you now that our path was not a smooth
one. i fooled around with other guys 11 times and cheated on him once, thus
we broke up and saw other people, but there was something about him that
always made me come back. and so he took me back. time after time, he took
me back. finally, this year, i realize what i put him through, the pain that he
felt when i cheated on him. almost every night, he goes to the bar. he tells
me that he's hanging out with friends. he even tells me what happened that
night. and to tell you the truth, i kind of found out the password to a couple
of hook up websites he has accounts on. reading through the messages, it
was hurtful. he's been talking sexually with other guys and they've planned
things. i talked with my roommate and he told me he's done this before. the
reason my fiance does this is because of the fact that he lost both his parents
when he was young and was living in various foster homes, so he has a need
to feel wanted. he talks to guys online and doesn't see it through. i kind of
believe what my roommate told me, but i don't know what to do. i've brought
things up like this before and he says that i keep jumping to conclusions. i
don't know what to do. he keeps telling me to trust him, but everytime i do,
there's always that nagging feeling that he's doing something behind my
back. i don't want to argue with him but i want to put my foot down and tell
him that i'm sick and tired of this crap. but i don't want to break up with him.
i don't want to hurt him like his other ex boyfriends did...they all left him and
hurt him. i don't want to do that, but i want to make it clear to him that i'm
committed and i want to be with him forever, i want to know what's going on
in his heart and mind. we found out a couple days ago that he's been hiv
positive since 2006. the reason he didn't find out till now was because he
didn't have a stable place to stay and he didn't have a number to be reached
at. i've been told by the same doctor to get tested. i talked with one of my
friends who did research on hiv and told me there's a very slim chance i'll
come up negative. but my fiance asked me if i would commit my life to taking
care of him and helping him as he goes through the side effects of the hiv
medication. i told him i would and i will. so he put the ring back on my
finger. that was a sign in my mind that we were back together. apparently
not. he ended up having protected sex with one of our friends. my friend
doesn't want him, so my fiance just ended it with him. and now he's being all
lovey dovey on me again. i don't want to push him away because i do want
him back in my life. as my partner, as my fiance, my husband, my soulmate.
so i returned the favor and accepted his love. but now he's doing the online
talks again and now on his cell phone since he has one now. he told me he
wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but for now, we have to re-get to
know each other to make this relationship work. how should i do this? i need
help. i don't know where to start... :(

Answer
In any relationship, there has to be boundaries and there has to be respect. Neither, which, your fiance is following. You shouldn't make excuses for the way he treats you. We all have some traumatic things in our past, but, that shouldn't justify why he treats you that way. And, have you ever wondered why his exes really left him? It could also have been his behavior. There are always three sides to a story, his version, the second person's version and the truth. You should not feel as if this person is your whole life. And, you don't need him to validate you.
Now that he is HIV positive, he expects you to take care of him after all the hurt he has caused you? Yet, being HIV hasn't made him respect you more. Because, he is still doing hurtful things to you.
You stay with a person, because they make you feel wonderful inside, they unconditionally love you, they wouldn't intentionally hurt you.  And, you, in turn would return the same feelings. That is the only reason one would stay with someone through the hard times, as well as the good times. And, that type of love is what makes another person  want to take care of their sick companion. That is the best unconditional love of all. To be in love with someone that much, one would sacrifice their life taking care of them. That is love.
Unfortunately, your finace, hasn't shown you that type of unconditional love. He hasn't shown you that he loves you enough to change his ways.
I'm sorry he is HIV positive. But, that hasn't changed him into a better person, and I don't feel you should sacrifice your life taking care of someone who really hasn't shown you any respect. He needs you now, because, he has no one else who will take care of him AND put up with his deceiving ways.
At this point, I recommend that you go get yourself tested for HIV. Take care of yourself FIRST. If you come up negative, get tested again in 6 months.....Keep getting tested twice a year, because it can come up later in life, since you have had a sexual relationship with him.
Love yourself more. You can't change a person, who doesn't want to change. Even after, they have a life changing experience, like being HIV positive.
I think you should start working on your self esteem. Love yourself more. Don't depend on this man to make you happy. Be strong.
I know that you love him more than anything. But, someone who loves you back, truly loves you, would never hurt you intentionally. Sometimes, you just have to know when to let go of someone who doesn't deserve you. Regardless of the circumstances involved. Because, it's not fair to you, you are being taken advantage of. And, he knows it.
Good luck, take care........And, be strong with your decisions.....
~ M