Expert: Melissa Durazo - 9/12/2008

Question
My girlfriend and I have been together 2.5 years, we are each other's best friends and this is the best relationship either of us have ever had. We have talked about marriage, but I have put off proposing. She recently got into nursing school in New York (we lived together in Los Angeles) and there was no question I'd follow her out there.

We got couples housing with the University and she set up in NY and attended summer semester while I stayed in Los Angeles from May-July (our LA apartment lease was not up until the end of the summer). I planned to move out to NY in August.

In August, she returned for her month off and we went on a road trip. But things weren't the same since she returned. We argued a lot--something we never did before.

We flew out to NY together at the end of August and I moved into our couples housing. I was nervous about quitting my job of 5 years and moving across the country.

We kept arguing, and she was saying things like she thought we would never be good again. I found a mix CD, and she got nervous. I started playing it, and she begged me to give it to her, crying. I did, but I asked her about it. She said she made it for me but didn't like how it turned out. I knew it was a lie.

Another week passed. I told her we needed to be 100% honest with eachother, and she confessed she cheated on me while we were apart. She was lonely and stressed from school. A random guy in a bar asked for her number and she said, "I don't think my boyfriend would like that," but he was persistent and she eventually gave it to him.

She saw him for 2 weeks, slept with him in his bed and in ours, and made the mix CD for him because she was starting to develop feelings.  She broke it off with him shortly before coming to LA for her month off in August. She thought she could keep it from me and it would go away. She felt guilty and took it out on me.

Now that she's confessed we haven't fought, but I have taken steps to leave (repacking my bags and boxing my possessions to ship back to LA).

But I am having last minute thoughts. What if I should try to reconcile? What if I am throwing away the best relationship of my life? Maybe we can be happy together and get through this? She would take me back into her life, I am sure. But it could be a mistake...

Answer
There is no excuse for cheating. And, with today's technology, she could have gotten in touch with you if she had been as lonely as she was. It is understandable that fear and loneliness makes us do things out of character. But, it is not an excuse. She did not take into consideration that you were giving up your job for her. She did not take into consideration that you were moving across the states to be with her. And, she did not take into consideration your feelings.
She came clean not because she was being honest - which is what she should have done BEFORE you moved out there, that way, you could have considered the pros and cons of moving to NY. She came clean because she was caught in her lies.
If you decide to forgive her, then you need move on and take it as an experience that may or may not make your relationship stronger. Or, if you decide to leave, perhaps, you need time on your own to figure out what you want. It's risky when trying to start over with someone who has hurt, intentionally or unintentionally. Things will never be the same. But, it is possible to rebuild that foundation. Forgiveness is a powerful thing.
You loved her so much that you were willing to uproot your life and move in with her across the country just to be with her. She is one lucky girl and doesn't realize what she has.
She has taken you for granted and if she really was stressed out and lonely, you were just a phone call away. Had she had a one night stand, it could have been chalked up to a little bit of drinking and loneliness. But, she was carrying on an affair with the guy for 2 weeks.
I would recommend taking time out from each other. You should not have to make the effort to save this relationship. You didn't do anything wrong. It's time to concentrate on yourself and your situation. If she wants to save this relationship, let her make the effort. After all, you did enough by moving from LA to NY just for her.
In the end, the decision to forgive her is up to you. So, be a little wiser this time and set down the boundaries of respect.
Good luck....
~ M