Expert: Melissa Durazo - 9/5/2008

Question
Hi,

I was in a relationship for two years with someone I was so blindly in love with. He was was world, my everything. We have had alot of issues in the relationship. It first started with the harsh words he would use when he was angry. He was inconsistent where he was cold and moody, other happy and receptive. I had alot issues in terms of things that he would do. His myspace page lloked like a porn site. He was constantly talking to his x-finace and exchanging e-mail and comments on his myspace. He took photos of themselves at an outdoor club, where he told me he just had spoken to her. He became buddy buddy with a girl his friend use to date. They became so close that they were going everywhere together. In 7 months, I never met this girl. He was no receptive to the fact that I felt uncomfortable about it. It got to the point, where in December we broke up over it. WE spent a few months apart and May 2008 (memorial day weekend), we ran into each other again after his consistent e-mail starting in April. We decided to go through couples therapy whch was June 28th, 2008. During that time, he said he wanted to take this slow, wanted to see each other once a week. He told the therapist repeatedly that he love me and wanted to see if we could work out or issues. He pointed out that he felt we lost that "friendship" connection which really bothered him. He felt that maybe it was because of the time apart and issues that we had in the past. I came to find out yesterday that it was all a lie. He constantly accused me of being a liar about things that didn't make sense, about someone I dated way before I ever met him. Before we started going to therapy, I asked him if he was seeing anyone. I came to find out that he was in a serious relationship with someone from March until May (the breakup took place the same day I ran into him memorial day weekend). He started seeing her again in July and have been dating throughout the whole time he was in therpay. He told her that he loved her and wanted to have a future (marriage and children), just like he had told me so many time sbefore. He was sleeping with the two of us. The other girl didn't know about me and vice versa. So happends that her sister used to train at the same facility that I used to. I hadn't talked to her in a lonf time and his name came up and this whole this came about. The girl and I three-wayed him when we both found out was he as doing. He told this girl that he was going to therapy by himself, he was telling her that he was learning about himself in the sessions and telling her to work things out with him, when the whole idea was to work things out between us. She confronted him abour everything, without himknowing I was on the phone. When he heard my voice on the other end, he baraded me with so may harsh words that you never say to a woman. He also sent me a text saying that "she's a better woman than you will ever be". This girl sent me all the e-mails of him proclaiming his love and commitment to her. I am crushed and devastated. My heart is completely broken. I feel used and humiliated. I feel like my self-esteem, my pride, honor was robbed from me. How do I cope with such a devastating blow?

Answer
I'm going to tell you that a man like that can not change his ways because he constantly uses women to build up his ego. I have been in the EXACT situation as you. As recent as last month....My ex came looking for me after 2 yrs. to tell me that he wanted to keep me in his life, even though he still lives with the woman he left me for..Then, tells me he is making plans to make a future with out her. And, after all was said and done, he was confronted by his woman and her family and set me up to be the one who wasn't leaving him alone - when I left him alone for 2 yrs.
Your guy has problems. And, the only reason he keeps coming back to you is because he knows he can get away with lying to you, hurting you and you'll still take him back. It's an ego trip for him. You are the only constant thing in his life that will not change. I still make mistakes with my ex. And, yes, I still get duped by him, as you have read....
But,in the end, you just need to realize that no matter what you do.....He will never see how wonderful you are. Or, how good of a friend you could truly be to him. Because, he really has no respect for you.
I felt humiliated, just like you. And, believe me, It's not an easy thing to get over when a guy has cut your self esteem to nothing. And, if she is such a better woman than you are....Why the hell does he keep coming back to you?
There is no such thing a "better woman". All women, no matter how perfect they seem, will always disappoint their mate. And, their mate will always compare them to other women. Men say this to women to keep them in line and to have an emotional hold on them. When my ex told me that same exact quote 4 years ago, I was completely devastated. Those words are meant to strip every ounce of womanhood from you. And, Inadequate is how I felt for a very long time. But, I learned to realize that they are just words and only I have the power to prove those words right. Therefore, you should not listen to him and his insignificant words.
You need to need to be strong woman. Not for him, but, for yourself. Learn from all the mistakes you made while you were putting up with this ass and make your self stronger, mind, body and soul.
You will get through this. You will have good days and you will have bad days. But, the best thing you can do for yourself is to walk away and leave him behind. You deserve better treatment and respect.
Don't let him take your happiness and self esteem away from you.
Also, if your self esteem is truly crushed by his insensitive words, I suggest individual counseling. It actually works. It did for me at one point. This will help pinpoint how you need to heal from here on out.
Be strong and wise......
Take care & good luck....
~ M