Expert: Melissa Durazo - 10/13/2009

Question
Hi. I started seeing my partner in July of 2008. We have since moved in together and are expecting our first child. I am currently on strict bedrest at home due to complications with pregnancy and have been filling my time on the internet. Long story short...I was prying at my partner's emails (I know...It was a stupid thing to do...first time I swear...I don't know why I looked) and I found an old one from about a month after we got together where he admits to a friend that he slept in the same bed as this persons sister. In addition he says that the question the person raised "are you sure you aren't just settling?" (with me) "is an interesting one". He also stated that he would wait until the relationship with me "fell apart and then see what would happen with her". I am so torn. It was a long time ago but I have asked him in the past if he had ever cheated on me and I told him that i would be hurt but could deal with it if he had. He denied having even come close. I believed him. In addition I knew that he and this girl had "some chemistry" but I dismissed any fears about it as I truly believed him when he said that nothing was there. I really don't know what to do. Should I confront him? Should I leave him? I am so hurt. I really thought he was the one for me. Now I am doubting everything about us. He asked the other night if I was just with him because I was pregnant.... now I can't help but think that he is projecting. Please help.

Answer
From this point on, the only person you need to start worrying about is your soon to be born child. If you feel that there is some unsolved conflict between you and your bf, I suggest you try couples counseling to learn how to communicate better. What's done is done. You can't change what he did - if he in fact did cheat.
If he is having doubts about you and the future you both have together, he owes it to you to be honest. If he still eludes your questions about cheating. Then, you must take it upon yourself to figure out what is best for you and your child. You can't make someone stay who may not want to stay with you. And, that may be a reality you may have to face.
I don't condone looking through a mate's private mail, messages or email....If there had been any trust between the both of you to begin with, you would have not been reading his email. Your mistrust of him should have been the warning sign you needed to stop and analize your relationship before it proceeded forward. You can't build anything on mistrust. And, once that trust is broken, it may take some time to rebuild it. Something that will require honest forgiveness and hard work to over come.....
Just sit down with your partner, talk about the goals you each want for the future and where you, him and the baby fit in. If his answers don't make you feel secure, then, you need to see things in a whole new light and work on yourself to move forward. It sounds impossible, i understand, but, you've only invested a year of your life with him, better to know where you stand with him now...Than to find out 5 years later where you stand with him.
Life gives plenty of opportunities to change and evolve. And, with a bit of help from your family and friends, you will have the support to move forward towards a better life for you and your baby. It sounds scary to do things alone, especially when you are pregnant, but, sometimes, things work out for the better.
If you decide to stay with your bf, then, you need to forgive him for his misdeeds and work on creating a healthy environment for your child. In the end, all decisions rest on you.
Good luck and hope I have helped you see things more clearly...
~ M