Expert: Elise - 11/10/2009

Question
QUESTION: Dear Melissa,

I am 20 years old and have been dating this 30yr. old man for about 4 months now.  Him and I have history from a couple years back.  There was a summer where we were seeing each other and after I had moved to the states for school, I had found out that he was actually in a relationship with another girl who had spent that summer traveling in Europe.  It took me a while to fully grasp the whole situation but eventually my feelings of betrayal and hurt had passed and I had moved on - as we inevitably do with everything.  
We randomly ran into each other a couple years later after I had moved back home and began to start things up again.  At first our relationship was a little bit twisted because, keeping in mind what he had already put me through in the past, I was naturally a little hesitant to start things up again.  But I had decided that the only way for me to be happy and to have a healthy relationship with someone is to start fresh, leave the past behind, and learn to trust again.
Well that's just what I had done.  And for the first couple of months, I began to see that he had come so far from where he was.  He had grown up and seemed as though he was actually ready to  commit to a relationship.
Well during our brief 4 month relationship, there was a 4-week period where we did not see each other.  I was just starting up school again and he was busy taking care of his business but we still spoke nearly everyday on the phone.
For some reason last night, out of nowhere, I asked him to honestly tell me whether he has been with anyone else since he's been with me.  He steered away from my question and wouldn't answer it directly.  Finally I told him it was a simple yes or no question and that I wanted an answer from him.  It turned out that he had.  This news had broken my heart a little bit, only because it had taken a lot out of me to actually trust him again albeit our history.  That night, we spent hours talking about the situation.  His apologized over and over again and kept reinforcing the fact that he cared about me much more than he's ever been able to show.  His defense was mostly that we had never verbally established an exclusive relationship.  My argument was that regardless of whether we had that conversation, I made it VERY clear from the beginning that I wanted to be with someone who would be faithful to me, and there is no way he could have thought that him messing around with another girl would be ok with me.  Later, that same night, he had sent me a message saying "If I said I wanted to do it right today, would that have made a difference?".  I replied to him that now was not the right time to be asking me that.  This whole time that we were together, I was under the impression that were already trying to do it right.  
This is obviously a miscommunication problem and I admit that I may have been at fault as well for not being as clear cut as I should have been about my expectations from our relationship.  I'm not exactly sure where to go from here.  I really care about him and I would like to be with him.  But at the same time, to have to go right back to the beginning with trying to trust him again is going to be very difficult for me.  I also don't want him to believe that he can treat me like that and that I will just take it and still stand by him.
A little advice would be so very much appreciated.
Thanks so much.

ANSWER: Hi dear,
I know this is addressed toward Melissa, It shows she is on vacation until the end of the month. To get her direct attention you may go to her profile and "ask a question directly" but I'm afraid your question has landed in the open pool for other answers to consider.

If you don't mind, I can offer my take on your situation, but you may also ask Melissa directly who will, I'm sure have valuable further advice.

My take on it...
You can choose to take his answer as a motive to actually "begin a relationship". But I hope you can recognize that his answer is an excuse, and not a reason. One of the biggest problems with American courting rituals is that we are so hung up on defined terms, when in reality, it is wrong if you lie to hid what you are doing because you know it would hurt another person.

It is also not fair for him to cheat when you are not there to tend to him. That I feel is a rule breaker and a big warning sign for you.

But what I see as a bigger warning sign is the age gap. Are you the exception? Did he show great hesitation in dating you at 18 and 20? Or are all of his dates around your age?

You may choose to post your similar question in the category that specializes in age gaps. For me though, that is a big warning sign. Not that you are too immature! I am positive you are exactly at the appropriate level of maturity for your age or well beyond it. My concern isn't you. Its him. At 30, something is off about him to not find attraction to women his own age. Think of the changes you went through in the past 5 years. Well he's got 10 over you, granted puberty aside, a lot of maturing takes place in 10 years that clearly didn't in him. It may very well be he has commitment issues, which would explain the cheating. He may feel inferior and aim toward younger women because he can still feel he is in charge. He may have low self esteem and target younger women to make him feel young still, or to prove he can still do it. If you get older will he still be interested? I guarantee he is fighting some major demons in his head, and none of them are anything to do with you.

If the age thing really doesn't give you a red flag. Please never mind all that. But I still recommend you critically ask yourself if he is worth it. Because it sounds like a pattern, and it sounds like he isn't taking you very serious. Please don't let him hurt you to a point that you cannot love someone else.

I hope you all the best.
Elise

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dear Elise,

Thank you so much for your reply.  I really appreciate the advice. I did direct the question to Melissa only because I've never used this program before and wasn't exactly sure how or to whom to submit a question to!
It's been a while now, and I've had more time to clear my head.  That was a great point about the age difference; however, I do know that I'm the youngest girl he's ever dated.  Typically, he dates women starting around the age of 25 but he's been with many other women as well - older than himself.  
You're right though, if he knew it was something that would hurt me, there's no excuse for his actions regardless of whether we "labeled" our relationship.  He's completely dysfunctional when it comes to relationships and I am partly at fault for getting involved with him given that I already knew his history with women.  Not exactly sure what I was expecting from him.  
I'm beginning to think that maybe I subconsciously seek out men who need "fixing".  I always date men that I really believe I can save.  That's something I definitely need to work on!
He contacted me yesterday and wants to go out for drinks.  If I wasn't already over the whole situation, my immediate response would be a big fat No.  But I feel that because I have moved past it all now.  It'd be nice to talk to him again and establish a friendship.  Do you think this is a bad idea?
I know it sounds like a mistake, but after everything that's happened, I truly believe I am above it all.  I think what I'm really hoping is that he'll remember what he's lost out on.

Cheers.

Answer
I clarified the direct advice option just because I didn't want to step on Melissa's toes. But I didn't want to leave you hanging either.
It's great to hear he isn't targeting young women that does make a big difference. My best friend has a habit of finding wounded men to heal. I had to shake her the other day and ask her this same thing I'll ask you.
What magic could happen if you put all that love and energy into a relationship that started healthy? What new levels could you reach with a man who is as good as you?
I don't know if it got through to her, she's never said anything as rational as you've said just now ha-ha.  There are men out there you can reach higher points with, and you'll never find him if your distracted by a "fixer-uper"
If you truly feel you are over him. Drink's shouldn't hurt. But really look inside to see if you are secretly looking for another ounce of hope. Us women are addicted to hope and will cling on to it until we've lost ourselves. It may even be good practice to notice the things about him that are un-attractive. The way his eyes wrinkle up, and how they will look when you are his age! Is his hair thinning, is he 30 and cant use his spoon without slurping? lol that was always my  best weapon in getting over a man. Oh-so many flaws that offend while we try our best to be perfect for them.
Elise