Expert: Elise - 10/16/2009

Question
My girlfriend and I have been dating for 14 months now, and i found out a week ago that a year ago she cheated on me with another guy. What makes the matter worse is the fact that everyone knew about this for an entire year and tried to tell me throughout the year. I had always denied it as there was no proof and I believed her. However a week ago one o my friends sends me a conversation that my girlfriend had with the same guy. They talked about everything they had done and how it was fun but that its over now. I confronted her about it and she tried to lie about it to make it seem less of an issue. However when i showed her the evidence she confessed. Like its a week later and i have forgiven her as it was a year ago but it still hurts and I don't know if I made the right decision.

Answer
The important thing to do is consider where your at with it. Is this something you can overcome? Is all trust lost? Is every man in her life now a suspect or do you truly believe it was just the one time? Does knowing this change your feelings about her, or is she still the same girl you fell in love with?  

You can SAY you forgive her, but actual forgiveness will take time.

She has already done what was "good" for her. Now it's important to realize if she is good for you. The key here is you DONT have to make a decision right away. She lied to you for a year, if you want to ride things out a while and see if you can forgive her, you have every right. You can tell her everything you feel, or you can not say anything. At this point you have every right to feel your emotions as they come, and you have every right to change your mind a month down the road.

If you need a gimmick to help get over it. Say start over again, or a "free pass" for your self. Try whatever you think is necessary. If she isn't willing to do what need be done, then she may not be as into the relationship as you are.

Whatever you do, be careful not to turn this into a situation where she is indebted to you for your forgiveness. Neither of you will be happy in the end. Also, take note of the feelings you had. Even though you denied what others said, deep down you know you had a suspicion. Be careful to heed it in the future.