Expert: Elise - 10/19/2009

Question
hi. . my boyfriend (ish-we are taking a break) and have only been together for 7 months.  3 of which he was unfaithful.  he kept in daily communication with 4 other girls and was physical with one of the four.  i worked with him.  the girl he was physical with also worked with us.  we had a great trip planned and i found out the day we were supposed to leave.  he was hysterical upon my discovery.  he came to the conclusion that he loved me and i was the one.  i was swayed by his words.  very powerful.  3 weeks later we got back together and he basically moved in.  4 months later i still haven't forgiven him.  i asked him to leave and broke up with him a few days ago.  i love him.  so much.  we talked about a ring, marriage, house,children. he really has bent over backwards for me. i am absolutely sure he is my soulmate, but not sure if we should be together.  soulmates can just be learning experiences, not life long bonds.  i dont know how to forgive him.  i want to so badly.  i love him more than i have loved anyone in my life.  any helpful words?  i am a wreck.

Answer
I'm very sorry to hear about your circumstance.
When it comes to men that are bad for us, I take a "What would my daddy say?" approach. Now this "daddy" isn't the deadbeat a lot of us have, I more imagine what would the daddy all us girls deserved... have to have say. Would that perfect daddy want his princess with someone like that? Or would he run him off the porch with a shotgun? I say this because a lot of times our nurturing side overlooks what is best for us. It doesn't hurt to have that guard dog hiding within each of us.

Now, I hate to say it. But don't expect change. When a person is a cheater as you described, he probably has a series of issues to work out that are beyond the normal reasons people cheat. One being low self esteem that which is filled by gaining attraction of other women. This is not something that can be helped. When a man seeks that many female companions, there is even a chance he is trying to prove to himself he is attracted to women, when he may not be. Shy of a professional you may never know what is wrong. At this point you should ask yourself if you are open for an alternative view of relationships because the most you will get from him is more of the same.

In most situations like this I recommend a second chance, an open relationship, or at least a way to view it that his indiscretions are more acceptable. But for this I do not. Your love may be true, but it is not strong enough to help him overcome his issues. You will damage yourself to where you cannot trust another, and chance passing by your true soul-mate by spending your energy on him. One day you will be able to clearly look back on this issue. If the day comes you say "it wasn't so bad" I'm sure he'd take you back then. But I really doubt that will be your take on it once you can again see clearly.

7 months is a long time, but nothing to a lifetime with this person. So what would your perfect daddy say to you? That his princess deserves a prince, not one filled with problems. Talk of marriage may be his dream, and yours. But it is just talk. He may deep down wish to have that perfect life so badly but you need to realize he will not be capable of it.

I hope this helps you some.
Love,
Elise