Expert: Elise - 11/25/2009

Question
Hello Elise,

  My name is Rachel, I have asked a question on this site before...how to please and keep my man. Unfortunatly he lies to me. We havent been in the relationship for a long time but I have already met his mother, sister and best friends and he was the first to tell me that he loves me. I do everything I can to make him happy and I even told him that if he wants to see other girls, to let me know before hand so I dont end up catching any diseases from him. My last boyfriend did that so im kindof paranoid from it. I didnt catch anything, but the fact that he slept with another girl and neglected to tell me about it for a month and slept with me in the mean time made it all worse. Jack has been wonderful so far. But I got an email telling me that he was still on the dating/sex site that we met on. He told me he cancelled it like I had. So I created a new acount under a new name and went to look and see if he really was online, and sure enough he was. Not only that, but after I looked at his page, he wrote me back saying that he wanted to teach me everthing that I wanted to learn and sent naked pics of himself. And sure enough it was him. I dont know if he has been having sex with random the entire time we have been dating or if he just started it. But we have unprotected sex and I dont feel like dying because of him. I already confronted him once and told him I would rather quit now then get my heart broken and he said that he wanted our relationship to last a long time...if he was telling the truth...why go behind my back? why lie when I gave him every option a good girlfriend could give? He knows I would only sleep with him, and the only other thing I would do is have intercourse with a woman and him at the same time. What should I do about this? I am so lost...
     I would appreciate ur input. Thankyou very much ^_^ -Rachel

Answer
Sounds to me you are every man's dream as far as an open mind goes.
It also sounds that in this situation you are the one chasing him. The goal should be to re-gain the "chased" position.
If you ask me, it sounds as if he has self esteem issues. Perhaps the ugly duck just realizing he is a swan? He is gaining an emotional security from the other women. The problem is it is not something you can give him because he attains that confidence in the NUMBER of women HE has contact with. He is with you because you are the one he wants, he is with them to add to the number of women after him. He isn't going to want to share you because you are his pivot point. His go-to, his security when he is rejected. You are still his number 1. But not his only one.

I would suggest that you recognize you have a slim chance of turning him around. Doesn't mean it's over. But it will take that realization for you not to be so attached. He is confident with you as his secure girlfriend because you are attached, he already has you. Once your feelings start slipping away he will begin to recognize and chase again. But you can't fake disinterest. It comes off looking like a game. You literally have to find interest elsewhere so you are not so vested in him.

If he is a good guy and worth it. Consider your loosing interest as medicine he needs to stay in the relationship, because he has a sickness. His issue is exactly what people mean when they say "baggage", other men may be ready to fall in love and live happily ever after. But he's got issues. But a true relationship is in learning how two people can work together between their issues. Make sure this is worth it to YOU.

My current boyfriend was just like that, I found all kinds of texts to other girls. It wasn't until I just stopped caring that he realized what he was loosing. Even then it took a good 6 months to get over the worst of it. But now he is so worried about me cheating and leaving he isn't looking at other girls. He is the one begging for kisses as I forget to give him one. To me he is worth it, but I, just as you, have to recognize that to get that man who is 100% for you, without constantly struggling for power will take years. Or a different man all together.

I would start by demanding an open relationship rather than offering and that protection be worn between the two of you or your walking.