Expert: Elise - 11/22/2009

Question
I'm sorry that my english isn't very good but i'll try to explane myself the best i can.
I'm 45 and my boyfriend is 57. We've been dating for two years and living toghether for one year. He is a very sensual man with a very high sexual drive and a fetichist. His fetish is strictly woman's butts and giving spanking. Althoug our sexual and romatic life is excellent i feel very insecure because i have the impression that he still has the need to watch or spank other woman when he has the oportunity or at least he can't resist missing an oportunity to do so. He's backgroung doesn't help him much because he's was married for 20 years in some kind of open marriage when hes wife tolerated him to have affairs with woman that he spanked and most of the time also had sex with. Because his particulat fetish, there is not many people in our area with the same interests so few of his old "spanking friends" still look for him and he admited to have "slipped" once or two. Our relationship is very sincere and honest, we talk and comunicate our feelings and i appreciate the fact that he's been sincere with me. I doesn't bother me if he watches porn on the computer but i'm a very jelouse person and those sexual adventures he confessed drive me crazy and i can't forgive him. Other that his fetish he's a very good and responsable men. We're engaged and we really love an respect each other. But i can't avoid torturing him with questions and i blame him for what he did even thoug he admited it was a mistake. I have the impression that he lied a bit, holded information or tried to make it sound smoother so he doen't hurt my feelings. I don't know what to do to trust him or stop hurting myself thinking that he's a cheater or a sexual addict that woudn't miss another oportunity not matter what the consecuances are. I know for fac that since we're living together he had refused or avoided situations when he could have cheated  and at some point his friends will give up on him but my question is: how much can he resist? Please help me undestand why men have the need to have sexual "scapes" and why do they seem to think that doing it for fun or just sex isn't a "big deal".  Thank you very much for your help.

Answer
Your English is not bad! If you hadn't mentioned I would say you type better than most of my questioners!
You say you are engaged to be married. You really have to ask yourself, in the worst case scenario. Is this something you can live with? It would be nice for him to change but  probably will not happen.
If you can't learn to accept it you two will always fight over this issue. Do you want to fight the rest of your life over this issue?
If you say no, why do you waste your time when another good man is out there?

I am someone who supports "open relationships" so maybe I can help you see his side some. This is not to convince you, but if you are looking for a way to see his side this may help.

For me it is never about my boyfriend not being good enough. To me, I love my boyfriend and my heart is the greatest gift I can give him. But to me, intimacy isn't connected to my heart. For this situation, it isn't simply just a lack of love.
To truly love me, my boyfriend has to accept that I doesn't see sex like others do. Just as if I were a different religion than he, he would have to accept that I doesn't see god the same way he does. For me, I could only be with a person who sees things the same way I do or I would not be happy. I know it hurts other people who do not see it like I do, so I do not date people who don't see it the same.
But this man loves you, and is trying to change who he is to be with you, even if you two don't see it the same.

You have to understand his fetish isn't a choice, but something he has, and he will always battle with it.

You need to choose him as he is, or find someone better for you. Is he worth living with his flaws?