Expert: Elise - 11/19/2009

Question
QUESTION: I'm married and also have a lover and recently I think that my lover is cheating on me.  My concern is that she is lying to me and trying to hide her cheating behaviour. I know it sounds all a bit ironic but I really wish she would just be honest with me rather that trying to hide it.  Do I have any right to confront her with my allegations?  Or do I just accept it as part of this type of relationship?  I don't mind that she's seeing someone as well as me I just wish she wouldn't lie to me about it.  Am I splitting hairs?  Thanks.

ANSWER: A lot of people say they just want to know the truth and don't care. But really you do care or you wouldn't be that curious. It's clear you are emotionally involved with your lover or you would expect her to see other people. She is lying to you not because she is trying to hide. But because she recognizes that in your relationship you would be bothered if she did. There would be no other reason to hide it than to not upset you.

Was it clearly agreed on that in you and your lovers relationship that she exclusively be with you? I have known many men and women to be hurt by their partners actions but still admit that it was not an exclusive status on their relationship. How many times have you heard in normal conversation "We were never together!".

You could choose to confront her if you really want to, but you will probably get a response that reminds you that you are the cheater, or that you weren't exclusive.

But what I really recommend in this situation is you recognize you are pulling off what many men might only dream of. You are literally getting your cake and eating it too. Do you really want to complain about the color of sprinkles on it?

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QUESTION:  Well how does it work when she expects exclusivity from me? Does that really change anything? Thank you for your council.

ANSWER: When you say she... do you mean your wife or your lover?
What I mean to say is if your lover and you discussed that she only be with you and you only be with her and your wife, then you may have more ground to be upset. In the same way a girl can't be mad at a man for having dates when they aren't going out.

You know, I've actually known someone to agree to be exclusively with his lover and not sleep with his wife! But not leave his wife because of some sort of failure to pre-nup.

I think the weird thing about the English language is that we have a million different ways to describe the weather, but only two ways to describe a relationship. The fact is, just because you can't put a label on it, doesn't mean it doesn't or isn't happening.

Write any time too. The more I know about you and your situation the more I may be able to help!

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I guess the next question is even if I do confront my lover with it, then what?  Where do we/I go after that?  Will it change the way we are and make it uncomfortable in the future?  And if I keep what I know to myself, does that do the same damage?  

Yes I am emotionally involved I admit that, but I’m also realistic enough to know that given the circumstances she can see anyone she wants.  I really don’t have any say in what my lover does like a boyfriend or husband would.  Or do I?  I think I’ll just suck it up.  

I think that knowing the other person my lover is seeing makes it harder.

Thanks again.

Answer
Well mistress or not, if it wasn't agreed to be exclusive she will pull that card at the very least. I don't think it would be worth your wile to confront her, you might loose more than gain.
I never recommend keeping anything to yourself or just biting your tongue, but perhaps just see it from her side and understand why what is happening... is happening.
Can I ask what is going on with your wife? Is this an extreme circumstance or is it in the realm of possibility that you leave your wife for your lover? Do you think your lover has feelings for you too and would want a relationship? If you were just in a relationship with your lover would you be satisfied with just her?