Expert: Elise - 12/3/2009

Question
hello. i've been with my boyfriend for a little more than 2 years. we have a 1 year old son together as well. early on in our relationship, before i got pregnant, i found out he cheated on me with one of my friends. they both denied ever having sex but they would get drunk and make out and he admitted that she performed oral sex on him. when i found out i tried to leave him but he went crazy. i would get so many voice mails with sobbing apologies, he threatened to kill himself, he would show up at my house and try to get me back but i refused. but then a week later i found out i was pregnant. i dont believe in abortion so i felt i had no choice. i convinced myself that this was just a first and only offense and you know, everyone does deserve a second chance. so i decided to work it out with him. now, after i had my son i moved in with him, granted he is supporting his mother as well and me and her never got along. i lived there for about 6 months and i had had enough of his mothers drugged out/drunken rampages. i couldn't have that for me or my son. so i moved back in with my mother. she lives relatively far from his place so he only comes around on weekends. his plans were to get his mother on her feet again that way she can move out into her own place and then me and our son could move back in. i've been here for the past 5 months and his mother isn't doing anything, i feel that she doesn't want to do anything with her life just mooch off of her son for the rest of her life. i was angry, i wanted him to give her an ultimatum but he wasn't so i decided i should give him one and i did, i told him that by a certain date if things weren't on roll then i was going to stop waiting for him and do it on my own. it angered him and he took it as if i was breaking up with him. now, on to the recent cheating subject. he has this friend he's known since 9th grade. i met her once while i was pregnant. i always had this intuition that she had feelings for him and i let him know of my suspicions. one night while i was still living there i caught him deleting messages from her he said the reason was because she was inviting him to hang out and he knew it would piss me off but that he promised if he ever did hang out with her he'd invite me along also so i wouldn't have anything to worry about. well, now that im not there he hung out with her. after i had given him the ultimatum we didn't talk for about a week, finally we came to a conclusion and he even got his mother a job and everything seemed to be working out. then while he was checking his e-mails here at my mom's he opened an e-mail from her in front of me. which had read " im sorry to tell you but i miss you so goddamn much. i can't help but not say or feel it, i love you so much." he denied anything happened, that she thought me and him broke up so she expressed her feelings to him but that he didn't see her in any way but a friend. i told him i didn't want him to see or talk to her again, he promised he wouldn't. but, i came to find out through e-mails he still was. i also found out that he had stayed the night at her house and had gotten drunk with her. when i confronted him with my information he finally confessed but he said they didn't have sex, that all they did was make out. but i have a hard time believing him on that one. he said he was angry at me because he thought i was going to leave him and that she was just there, she was convenient. again im receiving sobbing apologies, he tells me that he loves me and he wants us to be a family, he promises he'll change for me, that he can't live without me or our son. but i don't know what to do, i dont know if he's being sincere or what. if he loves me, truly or if this is some kind of game. i dont see how he can love me. i've never cheated on him, i've been completely loyal and honest but im not getting that in return. i want us to be a family and i can't deny the fact that i do still love him but im tired of getting hurt. im not even sure if there are other girls he's been with. should i give him another chance or should i just move on?


Answer
The thing here is... despite any advice your emotions are going to drive you to do what your going to do. When it comes to break ups we can tell ourselves we are ready but really - will never leave until we truly are. No amount of talking things out will get you there faster.
I'll provide some insight, but your state right now is such that you are emotionally weak and I am begging you to not take failure to follow my advice as another reason to feel down on yourself. I'm just here to help and offer some viewpoints. Not tell you how to live or for you to feel bad if you don't follow through. K hun?

It sounds like your independent enough to go forward... baby in arms... without him. Which is good - it means your only really attached emotionally. Most of the time women are scared to leave because of the baby.

The mom is an addict. Which, despite his efforts will have a lot to do with his personality- severe disorder.
He probably only got affection as a child when he was sad or in pain. Aside from that he probably only got attention when he was in trouble.
So that means the only forms of attention he can register are affection given out of pity, and the feeling when he is in trouble. Perhaps also highs of joy - like birthdays.
The other feelings - especially contentment don't do anything for him - to him thats when things are boring or lacking attention. So when you are happy and calm with him he isn't feeling anything (how could he?) he want's to shake things up. The other girl provides those "highs of joy" he may not be into her, but she provides that stimulus he needs. He enjoys the interaction - not her.

Frankly beyond that... he keeps doing it because he keeps getting away with it. It's a tough spot. You can choose to be the girl he does that forever to - or be the one that got away.

So what does all that mean to you? RUN GIRL RUN! You can't fix him. The most you can do is understand him and live with it. You can try to explain to him the psychology of it but he won't hear it I'm positive of that.

What you can do is accept 2 years gone, a beautiful baby, and world of opportunity.  My biggest concern is a child watching the two of you - he will grow up and see all those little things as ok and perpetuate the cycle. But I'm certain you don't want to live the rest of your life like this right? Hell, maybe after 4 or 5 years you can let him in again.

Anyway like I said in the beginning. If you don't have the strength to leave now don't feel bad or foolish or dumb. Breaking up is equivalent to accepting someone's death - only we are deciding when they die... which is much harder.