Expert: Melissa Durazo - 3/21/2009

Question
My ex-fiance wants another chance with me. He says he needs to know if that is something i want. We were together for 3 yrs & tried for 3 more after i called off the engagement b/c i felt unappreciated. The last 3 years he cheated on me with girls who were the opposite of me. He has a history of cheating, but i don't think he cheated on me during the first 3 yrs - we were always together & nobody else was around, but now i don't really know.  The 1st time, he "realized his mistake" after one weekend.  The 2nd time, it took him a month.  After the 3rd, i told him he could have everything but me and left.  He got engaged 2 weeks later to someone new. He said this was "The One" & he's never said that about anyone before. It's been a little over a year, and he finally ended that engagement, and now says he realizes the only woman he ever wanted was me, blah, blah, blah.  Thing is, i think i still have feelings for him. Not b/c i am afraid to be alone or that i need him for anything - he's the only one that just gets me. I've tried to improve myself and move on during the year, but i still miss him - even though i have gotten used to not speaking to him. I'm not really angry anymore and i can't remember too much of the past, but i still can't talk out loud about him without getting emotional.  Sometimes, i'll start missing him and romanticizing how it would be if we got back together again - and then i have to remind myself of just a few of the horrible things he's done so the feeling passes.  I know part of the reason why he kept cheating on me was b/c i was making it harder for us to be together b/c i didn't trust him. Should i give him a fourth chance now? How do we rebuild the trust? He gave me all the passwords to all his accounts before, but he still cheated anyway. He said he realized i was all he wanted after the first three times, so what makes this time any different?  How will i ever make him respect me if i take him back again? I know most people would say he's a dirt bag and i should just move on - so why can't i?

Thank you for listening; i appreciate it.

Answer
I'm going to be honest with you.....Even I miss my ex boyfriend every once in a while...I guess, you can say he was my "Mr.Big". I took him back 6 times in a 3 year period and he still didn't change. He broke my heart and I, sometimes, I still get emotional when I speak about him. But, that is all it is....Emotions. I want him to be happy, but, not with me. I am happier with out him. And, you sweetie, are in the same boat I use to be. My ex still sneaks back into my life, but, it's different and I don't fall for the sympathy trip he pulls nor do I fill my mind up with what could be anymore.
You need to be strong. There is a reason you walked away from him in the first place. And, I think you deserve someone better. Your relationship will never be the same. And, he hasn't given you an honest reason why you should give him another chance. He just expects you to be there because you have always been there. He can't respect someone he can pretty much dump on whenever he feels like straying.
People can change. But, there has to be visual changes and actions. And, by what you are telling me, this guy really isn't sure what he wants - even if he tells you that it's you. You are his "safety net". And, you deserve so much more than that.
If you honestly believe he has changed, then, in the end,, the decision is up to you. You need to do what feels right for you. You need to do what will make YOU happy.
Good luck and be strong....
~ M