Expert: Melissa Durazo - 4/27/2009

Question
I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and he has been talking about engagement rings.  I have a 8 year old son and they are very close.  The last couple of weeks my boyfriend has been acting out of character - not calling when he says he will, and blaming it on the pain in his back - which he did have a back injury.  However, this was not an issue when he ACTUALLY injured his back.  I recently learned he had drinks with a gal he works with on a night he was supposedly in so much pain. Additionally, the person he had drinks with and has been pursuing is someone I know and she did not know we were together - he told her we were just friends.  I tended to doubt her at first, however, she is going through a divorce and her to be ex husband cheated on her so I doubt she would lie.  Around me he acts like nothing has changed and is the same person - loving affectionate, generous.  I will not remain in this relationship -however, I need some guidance as how best to go forward.  What is the best way to handle a situation like this?  Talk to him?  Never talk to him again?  Never answer the phone?  What would drive a guy the most crazy?  As he claims to love me and wants a future with me so much?

Answer
Well, it looks as if you have already made up your mind. Which shows me that you have a strong character. Since, your son involved , the situation is going to be a delicate one, considering your BF and son are close.
Driving your BF crazy isn't going to solve any problems, just make them worse. Plus, it is only going to make you feel a lot worse, especially if it backfires.
The best way to handle the situation is to let him know that you aren't going to continue in this relationship because of his actions. Perhaps, you both need time apart to figure out what you both want - or, his case, what he wants. If the connection between him and your son is strong, and you accept it as such. Then, perhaps, your son and him - considering he still wants contact with your son - can hang out as buddies. There is never anything wrong with having enough big brothers in a child's life. If the situation is bad, then, this is something you will have to explain to your son and be prepared and watchful over your sons actions and moods in the next few days or weeks after the break-up.
Sometimes, adults tend to forget that when break up happens, the ones who end up getting hurt the most is the children involved.
Just be honest with yourself. If you wish to save the relationship, then, I would suggest couples therapy/counseling.
You can not change his actions. And, if he can not admit to you that he has done anything wrong and he seems to justify his wrongs....Then, you are and your son are better off without him.....
You sound like a strong woman....Now, show him that you deserve better and that he doesn't deserve you.
Good luck....
~ M