Expert: Melissa Durazo - 4/21/2009

Question
Dear Melissa. I never wanted to cheat on my boyfriend, but I ended up having an affair with my sister's friend. He was being very manipulative and trying to get me to leave my boyfriend, and I was being very weak and insecure. I didn't know what I wanted, so I went along with it. I let him kiss me, and I convinced myself that it was ok, cause I was only figuring out if I wanted to be with him or my boyfriend. He talked me into staying over at his when my boyfriend was away with his job. We didn't have sex, but I still spent a night in someone else's arms. I felt so bad the whole time. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but somehow I didn't manage to stop it. I felt so guilty and I knew my boyfriend would leave me if he knew, but I decided to tell him anyway. I just couldn't stand him saying he loved me and being so wonderful to me when I knew that he would hate me if he found out what I had done. So I told him, and he didn't want to see me anymore. We've broken up and it has completely ruined my life. I know I have destroyed the best thing in my life and I cannot believe how stupid I was. Why couldn't I see that I only wanted to be with him?
We're starting to be friends again now after many months, and we've kinda started dating again and behaving like we're back together, but he has made it very clear to me that he doesn't want to be with me ever again. I'm just clinging on to what's left of our loving wonderful relationship that I ruined. He says he's not able to forgive and forget, and he doesn't think he ever will. He says he still loves me and wish he was able to forgive me so that we could be together again. Is there anything I can do to help him? He just can't get over it. We both really want to be together. Will time heal the wounds?

Answer
Hello Jennie.....
I'm going to tell you that forgiveness is a very powerful thing. One can utter the words "I forgive you", but, the actions must be genuine, or the words can not ring true.If he isn't ready to forgive you, you can not make him do something he isn't ready to do. He will eventually find it in his heart to forgive you, hun. I was able to forgive my ex ANd the woman he cheated on me with.....And, now, my ex and I are friends. after a while you just get tired of holding in so much resentment, hurt and anger....So, you just have to give him time. Show him you are a good friend, if that is all that can be for both of you right now. And, even though you don't want to hear this, if he decides to be with someone else, you must find it in your heart to be happy for him. Just keep things on a neutral level and don't force something that is just beginning to heal.......You can't heal a scab by picking at it over and over again.....At this point, you must accept things as they are and feel blessed that he still wants you in your life. I commend your honesty and I hope he realizes that what you did was just a human mistake. No one is mistake proof. And, temptations are always there. Perhaps, this will has been a hard lesson for you to learn. And, in the long run, it will make you a better person with stronger convictions and a higher sense of self-security.
You sound like a good person and sometimes, even the best of people fail. Your intention was never to cheat. But, what's done is done....Just move forward and do not latch onto your past relationship, because it will never be the way it was before. You can only start to heal things and build a strong friendship.
He will forgive you. Just allow him to heal.
I hope I have helped you out.....Good luck to you and ex....He wants you in his life, if he didn't, he wouldn't allow you to be near him....Live your life and allow him to live his life....If you are meant to be together, it will happen.....
;)
~ M