Expert: Melissa Durazo - 4/14/2009

Question
Hello, my name is Amanda and I am hoping you can help me

I have been with my boyfriend two years now and we are having many problems that just are not getting resolved. When I met him (at work) I thought he was amazing-nice, smart, interesting. We spent more time together, shared a few kisses, and I thought we were basically together. I asked him a few times if he had a girlfriend and he always said no. I later found out he did have a girlfriend-she was in another country the whole time after leaving the US when they were having problems. The way I found this out was when he went missing for a few days--she had come back to the US and they were trying to fix things. He tried talking to me but I was so mad I did not speak to him for a week. Gradually we began talking again and started up where we left off. I figured she had left again and that was the end of it. I did not find out till much later that she stayed with him 3-4 months and I never knew---I felt like he was getting in to a relationship with me.

We finally made things "official" some months later (I found out later that they had separated for good and she left the country again a few months earlier).I chose to ignore all that had happened and we began a lovely relationship. The only problem at this time was that (for as long as I had known him) he would go out of his way to look at women. Stare at women. All the time. Before we were official I often got mad at him for this because I felt like we were basically together. After we got official he did it less often and more sneakily but I still caught him sometimes and my friends that work on days when I am not working told me a few times when he went out into the hall to look at women. He would lie to me and say it was nothing, until maybe the 5th time I asked and said I had proof and then he would admit it.

Now it is about a year later and neither I nor any of my friends at work have seen him look at another women. I think he may have changed. He told me he looked in the begining because he was still looking for another woman, and now that he loves me he is not interested anymore. I am having a really hard time believing this (because of all the lies before). I trusted him too early in the begining and now I cannot trust him, though I really really want to. I know he is sick of me worrying all the time and I am too. I just need some way of KNOWING for sure that he will not do anything that is unfaithful anymore (I understand that some couples have no problem with looking at other sexes but both of us agree that oogling other men and women is not ok). He cheated on his ex with me, and now I am afraid the same thing will happen to me, although both him and other people have said it is a completely different story because she "was so mean to him." I still think cheating was wrong.

What should I do? How can I trust him again? How do I know if he really has changed? I have never been jealous before but now I can't stand it! I always worry he stares at women when I am not there, and that he thinks of other women when we are in bed together, and that he is talking about women with his friends!!

Please help me! If we can just get over this hurdle I think we can make it.
Is there any hope for him to have changed?

Answer
Well, you are always going to feel like there is a risk that he will cheat on you because he cheated on his previous ex with you. That is a risk that you took when you decided to be with him. And, unfortunately, that is something that your subconscience is always going to remind you about. And, unless, you are 100% secure about your relationship it will not go away.
As for his "looking" at other women. That is just human male nature. I don't care how wonderfully secure and happy a man is in a relationship, he will always check out other women. That is the truth and to believe otherwise, would be quite naive.
He has done some pretty shady things according to your email. Yet, you have stayed with him and attempted to rationalize his action. Not only are you obsessing who he is with or not with when you aren't around, you have your co-workers giving you the 411 on him. That needs to stop and you need to look at the big picture here. He will not change unless he decides to change. And, there isn't much you can do. You are having a  hard time trusting him, even when he hasn't given you a reason lately to be suspicious about him.
You either need to take time away from him to calm your insecurities down or you are just going to have to accept that this time around he may be trying to change. Unless, he has given you a good enough reason to suspect him NOW - forget about the past and his previous indiscretions. You need to focus on what is going on now. Because, if you keep freaking out every time he looks at a woman or talks to a woman or he is out and about with out you...You will push him away.
You took the risk of being with someone who left his previous girlfriend for you. What more can you expect from him?
All I can suggest is that you take things one day at a time. Be patient. Try to be less judgmental towards him and relax a little.....
Unless, he has given you a recent just cause to suspect him of infidelity....There may be a chance that he is changing for the better and that he does love you and only you.....But, you're not going to find out if you keep obsessing about the past.....Let it go and keep moving forward.....
Good luck.....
~ M

PS
I am soooooooooooo sorry for the delay in my response......
I truly am sorry......