Expert: Melissa Durazo - 5/8/2009

Question
QUESTION: My boyfriend (33) and I (26) have been together for about 3 years. He is a very faithful guy never has and I doubt ever would cheat. He is very laid back easy going person who is the life of the party and just every one loves him because he is so nice. Well his ex dumped him about 3 years ago and was already with someone else right away, obviously she was cheating on him.. So in Dec. he had left his email open and I saw she had wrote him a very innocent letter nothing personal saying happy holidays.. He never wrote back and you could tell im pretty sure by the short unpersonal letter they hadn't been talking. I asked him about it and he denied it and said I was crazy he dosen't know what Im talking about. Finaly he did say yea she emailed me I never responded I just didnt tell you b/c I didnt want you to get mad and think something was going on.. Well a few days ago we were sitting at the table in the morning and he gets a text which he read me out loud Im not sure if it was b/c he was caught off gard or really did not know who it was since he does not have her number saved in his phone she had text him amazing weather hope your out at the beach surfing.. Ok now this girl has been with the same guy since they broke up they even moved about 4 hours away together to another city. He didn't know the number so I looked at his phone when he didn't know and blocked it and called and realized it was his ex.. I asked him why she was texting him and he said he didn't even know it was her. He does not want to talk to her and kindof got mad at the situation and saying I dont trust him and I am too jealouse.. Well I called her and asked her nicely what was going on and she just said she wanted to be friends, she never got closure and she wanted to just stay in contact as friends.. I explained he did not want to talk to her and though by ignoring her she would understand that and he didnt want to be mean to her and say leave me alone and I would like it if she would stop. She understood I guess and he knew I called her and said if she did call/text or email her he would tell her she needed to stop but we got into a pretty big fight about it before he finally said that.. I am not sure what I should be doing or how to handel this.. It just makes me think if I was just lucky enough to be there when she text him or happened to see the email that day b/c he accidently left it open or if is happening more then that. His biggest thing in our relationship is he says I dont trust him but I feel like that is b/c when ever we do fight he says "were over" and breaks up then a few min/hours later we are fine.. then these emails/text from ex girl friends even when I see them and instead of telling him I saw them ask he will deny it and lie about it untill I finally say look I saw it.. I have never seen him actually respond to any of these emails or text and by the way it looks they are not personal and I doubt he has but still its the point he hasn't stopped it, is getting mad at me b/c I am upset about it and lies about them..

ANSWER: After reading your email.....I am going to have to agree that he hasn't really given you a reason to mistrust him. He never responded to the emails or the text messages and frankly, the only thing you are doing is pushing him away.
You can play detective or you can trust your instincts.....And, 9 of ten, our instincts a re right. And, I don't suspect of him of cheating.
I would only approve playing detective if the situation was obvious. But, in this case, it isn't and you are going to lose you guy over your insecurity. Until he has given you a good enough reason to call him a cheater, then, I suggest you tone down the paranoia....
If the ex still wants to contact him, it is up to him to put a stop to it. Not you. It sounds harsh, but, it's true. He hasn't responded to her....So, what does that tell you?
Give your guy a break....Show him how secure you are as a woman. And, make him see that he chose a better mate in you.......
This may not be what you want to hear, but, I have been where you are at and there is nothing worst than jealousy in a woman...Just trust your heart.....And, until he has given you just cause to worry, don't stress over it...
Take care & good luck...
~ M

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you so much for your time to listen! The only thing is I didnt say is that we dated for 2 years living together and this past dec. he said he wanted to break up because he cant do what he wants to do when he wants to do it kindof thing.. I am in school 24/7 working on my nursing degree and I work so he really does do what he want to do since I am always busy but I do like to spend my off time w/ him and he likes to drink alot and thats prob. what the root of the prob. was his single friends giving him a hard time and me not wanting him to drink quite as much.. it got alittle out of hand bring in drinks to the movies (in my purse) or drinking in the car b/c he couldnt wait till we stopped at the next location. Any way he said I was too controling so he wanted to move out and move in w/ his single friend.. So that was in Dec. he did that and his single friend he lives w/ is ALWAYS giving him a hard time about us I think hes jealouse b/c he wants a relationship so bad but cant find a girl and makes my boyfriend feel stupid about being in one.. Any way it was the same month he moved out I noticed the email and then last week was the text.. so thats why I am having a hard time we are still together just not living together any more.. And every time we do fight the first thing out of his mouth is Its over and and then we end up making up a few hours later mostly because of me I fix it or talk through it with him but I feel that is why I am insecure about it all..

Answer
Ok, now, it all makes sense to me......Thank you for giving me insight into your situation.
He is the one with problem. Not you. And, you are bearing the weight of the it.
He doesn't know what he wants. And, if he decided to move out after living with you for two years...Then, he is highly suspect and he is selfish.
Look, hun, back in 2004, when my guy of 8 years was teeter-totting between me and amazon girl( someone he was seeing for 1 year ), we had been living together for a year. Then, he decides that he needs to go live with his best guy friend to figure things out. Two months later after he moves out, I find out he lives with the amazon. Yet, every time he visited, he kept telling me she was stalking him.
Men, will do and say anything to make their decisions valid and justified and to keep you hanging on.
His behavior is not excusable and you should not have to be put in a position where you have to question your sanity, your heart or your doubts.....
Looks as if you have done everything you could for him. Including trying to be there for him when he got into an accident. And, had he been severely hurt, I'm sure you would have taken care of him because you love him unconditionally.
He isn't man enough to tell you how it is. And he isn't man enough to deserve you. He isn't a man at all if he is guided by what others think of him....
Life happens, things happen that we have no control over. Some of those things aren't pretty....But, we have to learn to survive and move forward.
At this point, the ball is in your court. You can keep agonizing over his actions and selfish acts and words. Or, you can take control and stand up for yourself and say, "enough is enough, already!"
You sound like a smart girl. And, although the situation is sad, it isn't a tragedy. You will survive it and you will have your inner strength to thank.
You deserve so much better. I understand you are hurt and confused by his actions. But, it is what is and you can't make him stay or make him understand what he is doing to you. Because, he won't. He's being selfish.
You keep moving forward and let him know that if this is the way he wishes to communicate with you and treat you. Then, you have no choice but to grant his wishes and break it off for good....
Be strong. Don't show him that he has broken your heart. Just walk away knowing that you did the best thing for yourself. It's your turn to be selfish. You don't need him and his cryptic drama....
He is old enough to know what he is doing. And, it's about time you stopped wasting your youth on a selfish boy....Plain and simple...
You stay strong!!
Good luck....
~ M