Expert: Melissa Durazo - 5/11/2009

Question
QUESTION: I'm 20 years into a marriage that was a bad choice to begin with.  Over the
course of the marriage the affinity between my wife and I has diminished to
the extent that intimacy is no longer the norm (it has been over 7 months)
and I now sleep separately (for 3 months).  From my perspective the lack of
intimacy has spelled the doom of the marriage - for it has always been
lacking.  Without the intimacy, I and my wife are simply roommates - or
better yet, she is just another friend who is female - platonic certainly.   I
don't need another femaie friend - I need a "girl friend" into whom I can pour
myself.  I am at a loss - but I think we have reached the point that separation
is inevitable.  Your thoughts would be appreciated --- by the way there has
been no cheating - but I am seriously considering it.

M

ANSWER: First of all, in what way has your marriage been a bad choice to begin with? And, it's taken you 20 years to just realize it?
With out really knowing how your relationship got to this point, it's going to be hard to make an assessment of your problem.

The reason for lack of intimacy could be over various reasons. Have you lost love for your wife and vice-versa? Over the course of all these years did something happen to both of you that would make you both lose interest and respect for each other?
I am a great believer that relationships work 50/50. If there is no mutual respect and admiration for one another, then, it can not work.
People aren't perfect. Feelings never stay the same. But, at the same time, it takes hard work to keep that love moving forward when times change and feelings evolve....
Some people just aren't meant to be together. Some are. Some people stay together out of convenience or because they are afraid to stand on their own merits. Some people attract the same type of negative mates in their life. While others, learn from their past relationship failures and implement those lessons as tools for making a better relationship in the near future......All isn't  lost when it comes to relationships. It just takes patience, understanding human nature, respect and above all, not having unrealistic expectations. When we expect too much or not voice our needs and wants. We lose the relationship....

If you and your wife have reached the end of the road and can not evolve together as a couple. Then, you must address it and take action to either save the relationship or end it in a divorce. But, going out and finding a girlfriend before you end this relationship is not going to solve your problem. Just make matters worse.

I always recommend marriage counseling as a good resource in attempting to save the relationship. But, if you are certain it is over....Then, you must take the first steps in accepting it and addressing it to your wife....

I wish you luck....And, I hope I have helped you out a bit.
~ M



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Your points are well taken --- I have asked for counseling and she has
refused.  We've done Marriage Encounters - to no avail - it is all temporary.  
You have affirmed my thoughts - that complacency is no longer an option.  It
is time for a decision, whatever the outcome.

Thanks...  

Answer
You are welcome....
Good luck & if your relationship does comes to an end...I hope you both realize that it is a new beginning for both of you....You have both spent 20 years of your life together...Learn from the experience and move forward...
Take care...
~ M