Expert: Melissa Durazo - 5/10/2009

Question
I'm 19 and my boyfriend is 30 years old. We've been dating for 2 years. It's been quite a rough 2 years though... I feel extremely hard and fast for him. I have never loved anyone the way I love him and I lost my virginity to him. Months into our relationship, he started using drugs and became an addicted to heroin. It's been a long battle. I lost so much trust in him for all of his lies and who he has been with/where he has been/what he has been doing. He changed his life around and has been clean for almost a year now. He hasn't been doing drugs, has a job, and is a completely different person. He's such a good boyfriend and is very loving. I have my doubts still. I have deep, deep concerns and fears that he will use drugs again and never feel completely safe being with him. I want to start a life with him but don't know if it is possible. I'm traumatised by all the things I have seen and been put through. I recently met this guy, my age. I do not feel that same connection with him but found him extremely attractive. I did something awful... I had sex with him twice. and now I feel the most crushing guilt of my entire life. I don't want to ruin my relationship by telling my boyfriend, though I don't even know if our relationship can be saved? I feel that my life is constantly a complicated matter. Should I tell him what I did? I know that he would leave me and most likely go back to using drugs again. I don't know what to do and it's killing me. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you.

Answer
Your first serious relationship is usually the hardest to let go....
You are too young to start off your life with all this trauma and drama.
Now, you have complicated things by having sex with someone else.
You have two choices, tell your guy and deal with the consequences of your actions. Or, not tell your guy and keep leading him on.
If he responds to turning to drugs after you tell him the truth...Then, that is something you can not feel responsible about. You are not his keeper and you aren't responsible for his actions. And, he can not make you feel guilty over what you did. That is your mistake  and that is your lesson to learn and your cross to bear.
You may need a break from all relationships - period. You need to focus on your own life. And, on becoming your own person.  
You need to learn how to take care of YOU. And, you need to learn how to deal with pressure, stress and decisions....
Things you haven't learned to do because you keep catering to others' needs and making foolish decisions without weighing the consequences of your actions.
If you feel unsafe with your guy, and you think that by telling him, your life may be in danger, then, I would recommend doing things in a responsible and safe way.
If he has truly cleaned up his act, then, he will be strong enough to take on whatever you got to tell him and of course he will be angry and sad and act out of character...But, what do you expect?
Yet, if you're still unsure about being safe with him....Perhaps, you should sit down and talk out your concerns out in front of friends and family.
You're too young for this....You should be in college, traveling, enjoying life with your friends...Being selfish while you still can...Before real life takes over and lands on your shoulders like a ton of bricks....And, life doesn't get easier as we get older....
Only the strong survive this life...
If you still feel strong about saving the relationship...Try counseling together...Work out your differences and fears....After all, he has done his job by attempting to change his behavior and drug habits.....
If you can't work it out....Then, be strong and move forward...Take it as a lesson learned.....One of the many lessons that life has to teach you...
Don't waste your youth and life on drama right now...You need to work on yourself internally..Otherwise, you will continue to make the same mistakes over and over again....
Good luck.....
~ M