Expert: Melissa Durazo - 7/3/2009

Question
So.. Im a very understanding and forgiving person, and Ive been in a serious relationship (my first) for about two years now. Weve always been open and trusting of each other, and at one point in time we even attempted an open relationship. it was just to see how we handled it, and I began by introducing him to a cute friend of mine and made him promise that whatever happened hed tell me. Thats all I wanted. Sooo... nothing ever came of it (that I knew) and we agreed that we werent going to be able to have one. (cause I got jealous ^.^) and then maybe a month later he tells me he got messed up and slept with an ummm 'easy' girl. One he hangs out with all the time and I foolishly thought I could trust him around, to I dont know, have some self respect, anyhow, ha, I told my friend about it as I was fuming, and she confessed to me that her and him had made out. (this is the same girl I had tried setting him up previously with) and he never told me. I asked him about it and he said that he promised HER he wouldnt say anything cause she was worried about our friendship. well, I would hope that a promise to me would be more important than a promise to some girl he just met. Now, at one point in time i had also slept with another guy, but early early on in the relationship when we werent nearly as serious and my boyfriend had been gone for a few months and we didnt know where we stood with each other. It was also with an ex bf that I never see, and hardly ever talk to. (as compared to these girls he lives near and hangs out with everyday.. whom I never really liked, but accepted as being his friends) Im not sure why I did it, but it took me a few months to tell my boyfriend about it and he almost immediately forgave me. He was very upset, be he told me he loved me and doesnt think of me any less and hes glad I finally told him. But oh, theres more. =] After I finally forgave him for all of that I heard rumors of him sleeping with yet another one of these easy breezy lemon easy girls... one he often hangs out with. Now, I was previously concerned about this but he swore he would never do anything with her and was offeneded that I had even thought so. WELL... multiple people had told me.. and I still chose to believe him over everyone else, and wrote it off as a stupid rumor just because they were seen around so often. A few nights ago I asked him seriously, with our future in mind what had happened. I told him honesty was more important than anything and that I wouldnt be mad unless he continued to lie.. he eventually admitted to getting drunk and making out with one girl, and then sleeping with this one. he also said that he was ashamed that he had done it and thats why he never told me. Now, after I had threatened to end the engagement, he promises me hell make changes and that hes going to get his life in order etc. He said he understands if this is the one thing that could come between us, but hes going to prove to me that it wont. Am I letting him off too easily by giving him chance after chance? its not the first time I heard him going on about how hes going to make changes, and I always just smiled and shrugged it off when no results ever came. And Im no pushover, dont get me wrong, I just realise that no one can be perfect... and I really love him, hes made a huge impact on my life, but this time it just hurt a little too much. How can I be sure that it wont happen again.. or should I just end it? ...an unltimatum maybe?? As you can see, our relationship is quite complicated, so im sure that there cant be an easy solution. Your advice would be much appreciated!! Thanks =]

Answer
Well, I do not believe that ultimatums work.....You can not force someone who isn't willing to change on their own and for their own benefit. You are both just relieving the past over and over again, hurting each other..With no changes or knowledge of consequences....He has hurt you.....And, you may have hurt him.....It's a cycle that never ends....Promises are just words....It's easy to create a promise when the intention to change isn't there....He needs to create action and change....And, from what you have expressed to me, he hasn't learned to do neither....In the end, it is up to you to continue this path....If you wish to marry a man that makes you feel insecure, then, marrying him will not change the outcome of what is to come....If there is honesty, respect and love worth saving and reinforcing....Then, you must change your "story"....Both of you.....Change the cycle...Change your attitudes, your thoughts, your needs, wants and expectations....
I wish you lots of luck and I hope that you do the best for yourself....
Take care....~ M