AboutMelissa Durazo Expertise I will not help you cheat, so please do not ask me how to. If you are having issues with a cheater or suspect your mate of cheating, then, I can help you deal with the issue.
I may have the answers on how to confront and deal with a cheating man or woman. I can answer questions concerning the physical and mental anguish that a cheating mate can cause. advise how to move on from this type of relationship. Or, advise on how to forgive and work on fulfilling a new start. I can also help in recognizing the signs and lies of a cheater. As well, as how to catch one in the act.
Experience I was in a 10 yr. relationship, in which the last 3 years of it was nothing but lies, cheating & emotional abuse. I almost lost my job, my friends and family because I could not let go of this co-dependent relationship. I went through a life changing experience and I came out realizing that I was stronger than I thought I was. I learned that no one is responsible for my happiness and well being. I also learned, that I will make mistakes, I will fall down, but, in the end, it's how I face the problem that will get me through the day.......
Education/Credentials The school of Life. Life is all the education I have ever needed.
Question My son's father and I have been involved on and off for the past 2 1/2 yrs. The first 1-2 months, our relationship was incredibly intense and full of lust for eachother, although we both felt we were falling hard for eachother. I slept with my ex boyfriend 5 days before we started dating though, and he found out on our 2 month anniversary. He felt that this was cheating (since we had gone out for dinner a few days prior to me doing this) and said we would've been ok if I had told him, but since I didn't, he can't trust me and we broke up. We got back together for awhile, but he wasn't the same with me, and I found out that he started texting another girl. Within a few days, he broke up with me again because he said he can't trust me, but then I find out, THAT NIGHT, he was already sleeping with her and his place! So he obviously was unfaithful to me emotionally if not physically first! Anyways, they dated for 3 months, then we got back together. Later I find out that he cheated with her again on our first day back together, and then a month later with his other ex who he has another child with, all while he's acting like he loves me and is so happy we're back together. I had no idea! I found out after we had broken up the second time, that he did this regularly with him. Then I also find out, he had been cheating with ANOTHER girl for a period of two months, and was keeping that a secret. A mutual friend of mine and the girls told me everything and the girl ended up emailing me everything and all the intimate details, so I knew it was true. I confronted him many times, and he denied it for over a month until I finally showed him the email, then he admitted it, and was so upset with himself and really wanted me to stay with him. I do have to say that in the first month we got back together the second time, I went on holidays, and ended up sleeping in my friends bed, and she wasn't there, so one of her friend, a guy, said he didn't want to sleep on the floor so he slept in the bed. I knew I should've left, and I should've slept on the floor, but I didn't. Nothing happened even though that was wrong. Then on my way back, I stayed in a hotel, and met a cute guy in the elevator, and he asked if I felt like going for a drink, and I was bored and lonely so I said yes and did, then after we went back up to the room, and he came in for a minute, looked at some photos, and I told him I had a boyfriend, and he left. Nothing happened. This was all completely wrong of me to do. But because I didn't tell him about sleeping with my ex, he doesn't believe me at all and he is so convinced in his own mind that I slept with these two ppl. But I didn't! I even got one of them to email me saying we didn't, and showed it to him, and got my friend to tell him, but nothing worked! During the time he was cheating for the two months, he ended up asking me if I'd say yes if he'd ask me to marry him soon, and he said he wanted me to take my birth control out. I was SO in love with him, I did, right away (I didn't know about any of the cheating yet). So we had sex everyday for over 2 months. He found an email about my holiday, and confronted me, and almost broke up with me that night, cause he's so convinced I cheated on him. Then we found out the next day I was pregnant. We stayed together until I was 7 months pregnant, and it was terrible. He did not treat me well at all, because he thought I cheated. Yes, what I did was wrong, but I didn't cheat! He did mutiple times! During these 7 months, he emotionally pushed me away and became close with his daughter's mother. He ended up moving 6 hours away. We were supposed to move with him and work it out, but I found out after he moved there, he decided he didn't want us to come. The first week he moved there though I went to suprise him in the morning at his place (also wanting to see if he was cheating) and I was greeted by a girl walking out of his place. He'd been sleeping with her all week. So we broke up soon after that. So fast forward to when my son is 5 months old, he'd been sleeping with multiple ppl in the meantime, and we would get along and say we should get back together, and then fight like crazy! Like, mean fighting! But everytime we see eachother in person, it's like we forget about all the bad, and we are so blissfully happy together. But the second we're apart, we don't trust eachother at all and fight. So when my son was 5 months old, he knew I wanted to get back together, and he said he really wanted it too. So we did, and he told his whole family and got a bigger place for all of us. So I really believed him this time. Then a week ago, a girl "tagged" him in some photos on facebook, showing their little romantic getaway which was within the past week! He drove hours, and went completely out of his way to cheat with this girl, and rented a honeymoon suite!!! He said it's cause he thought we'd break up anyways, and didn't take us seriously, but now he wants to. And went on and on about how terrible he is and he really wants to make this work. So we had a really good few days till he went home again. But as soon as he's home, we argue like crazy! My son and I are supposed to go there for 3-5 weeks and live with him and see how it goes, and if it's good, I'm going to move us there. The thing is, is when we're apart, it's terrible, but when we're together, we're so happy, and seem very in love, and it's just all good. It's wonderful. I really want it to work for my son, and so does he, but I also really want it to work cause I really do love this man more than anything. He keeps blaming everything on me and all our issues on me and acts like he never does anything wrong, and the only reason he cheats is cause he doesn't take me seriously. But he said if we're actually together, he won't cheat on me and that he doesn't have a problem with that. I really really want us to be together. My brain tells me it's stupid to try again, but I really want to. I can't imagine my life without him as my partner. I want to marry him one day. I can't even imagine being with anyone else. The whole time we were apart, I was completely faithful to him, and didn't flirt with anyone even though guys were trying to with me, but I blew them all off. I'm trying to prove myself to him showing him he can trust me, but he says that one year of that is no accomplishment compared to a lifetime of me being unfaithful (which he truely believes). Is there anyway we could be together and actually work? He does say he'll do thing like relationship rescue workshops and read about helping our relationship. I just don't know what to do. I love him so much and don't want to let go. The thought of not being with him is just so horrible I can't even imagine it. Now I have a son with him. So either way I have to be around him the rest of my life, but i want to be WITH him the rest of my life. Am I crazy????
Answer This email is quite long and a bit complicated....But, I can see you are frustrated and concerned and confused.....Sometimes, repeating the same story - because, I consider experiences "stories" - is not always a good idea...You AREN'T your story... The relationship is controlling you, not the other way around. Therefore, you are being fueled by your desire to continue the relationship based on what you had in the past and how he makes you feel when you are not arguing.
The way you have expressed yourself, " I can't imagine.....", reminds of myself at one time. I declined to do so many things in my life because I "couldn't imagine" doing things without my ex. Which isn't healthy thinking. All you will end up doing is preventing yourself from growing and learning and becoming a strong person. Your thoughts are what make you the person that you are. If you continue to think the way that you do, you will never overcome this. And, your child will pick up on this and he too will create a mirror image of what you are going through in his life when he gets older....
If you truly wish to give it one more try with your mate...Then, go and be with him for those 3-5 weeks...But, if neither one of you changes your habits and ways of thinking...It's not going to work.....You must be willing to start over with a clean slate, the past must be forgotten and not brought up and you both must be willing to meet in the middle. Nothing is simple. It takes work to build a relationship based on honesty, respect and love....
If this doesn't work out within the 3-5 weeks. You will have no other choice but to accept that this is not the man or the life for you. And, it's up to you to set a strong and good example for your child through this time.....In my honest opinion, I do not believe you and this man belong together. Because, it's not a healthy union for you and your child. Your fears are valid, but, your are not your fears....You must realize that. If you create the fear and the negative thoughts, then, that is what you will be...And, I think you deserve better than that...Do you not agree...??
Please think things over....For yourself and your child....And, I truly wish you peace of mind.....
Take care....
~ M
