Expert: Elise - 1/23/2010

Question
I'm 14 years old and I have a horribly low self esteem. No one can seem to help me. What can I do to raise my self esteem? I've tryed writing all the good things about myself and even that didn't work. Can please help me out? It's really starting to effect everything else in my life. Thanks!

Answer
Hey there babe!
Self Esteem is a hard one! First of all your 14, I know the world lays out infront of you and the future seems more like a distant thought instead of a definite. It's a hard age and it feels like everyone is judging you. But everyone your age feels that way and most often if someone points something wrong about you it is to distract from their own flaws.

When I was your age I didn't much like myself either and really didn't until I was about 20. So know, even if you can't get it down so early it's not like you never will, you've got your whole life to like yourself and if you can get it now your ahead of the curve.

Now babe you can write lists all day and if you don't believe it or think the words written mean anything it's pointless. Haha now here is the silly part - I bet you are even more upset at yourself that your attempt didn't work! How silly is that :/

When I first started to like myself it was more of a business deal then a moment where I saw who I was. Lets imagine it as that.

I was taking a speech class in college and realized that public speaking wasn't just a talent or a skill. It was an art. Martin Luther King spoke like Michaelangeo could paint and Beethoven compose. Only it is the single art that has changed the world most. Public speaking isn't just some thing that people hate. It's a powerful tool that has literally changed the world over and over again by those who could set down those fears and master it. Public Speaking through the founding fathers started our nation just as it started the Holocaust through Hitler.

I never got that one down lol. But what I realized is that another powerful tool to maneuver and improve your life is a healthy self esteem. The fact is most people really don't like themselves and many never will, just as how most will never do Public Speaking. See it as a tool, a skill to obtain to better your world. When you do like yourself other people just naturally believe you are as great as you feel you are. It's not just a sensitive thing where you want to like yourself just to like yourself. Master it and you will climb to higher careers, meet a better man and have better friends. And on top of that when you go to bed at night you love everything including yourself.

So like I said quit viewing it as just something you should do. You now know why you should and you can practice like you would study for history class.

Stop making yourself feel bad for failing at things you started. Like I said... that is so silly to plan to make you like you better then get mad at you when it doesn't work lol. Instead try working on forgiving yourself as quick as possible when you fail.  Laugh. It WAS worth a try and move on! Then congratulate yourself for doing it so fast. What does failing at a list, or in gym or at a artwork have to do with your self worth?

Another major factor for me was in those who've died. I had two cousins die in a accident when they were 13 and I 17. I didn't know what it was at the time but it was the foundation for appreciating life better. Even though you may stand in front of the mirror and poke at your fat or be mad your boobs aren't big enough for you didn't do great at a test... and oh man. Does he like me? I one day looked in the mirror and realized my cousins would never have that luxury. They would never have their first kiss, have a career or children. I promised them that day that I was going to live well and live hard because they can't. You can't do any of that if you stop to question yourself every few moments.

One more, I've never been very religious and quite confused about it. But one day I realized - if there is one thing for sure that would anger god, it would be to not appreciate my life as he gave it to me. I realized that even if I don't pick the right religion in the end on judgement he would see a girl who took everything he gave and loved every moment and she may not have repented before death, but she loved it more than most who have.

Hopefully this is a start and a few ways to view things that you hadn't before.

Have a morning when you feel the sunlight on your face and really love and appreciate the moment.  While other people hurried and got ready and worried about their hair - you dear - you stop and lived in a moment and took every bit you could from it. Then tell yourself how great you must be to enjoy what so many take for granted.

When you go skating and the other people were too scared to go out and try it. Afraid they would look stupid and fall. You dive out there and make a fool of yourself and laughed the whole way and they with you, not at you. Then stop and tell yourself how great you must be to have done what others were scared to.

Do ya follow?