Expert: Elise - 1/14/2010

Question
I have been dateing my fiancee for a little over 3 years now. For the first few months it was awesome, and then one day it just changed, and I saw something in her eyes that told me something was wrong. Ever since then I've worried about the fact that she has cheated more then a few times. After this incident she would always talk about her best friend, who was a guy, that she hadn't seen in awhile. She would talk about him all the time. Then one day she just stoped. Out of no where. After that she would always accuse me of cheating, and if I asked her the same thing she would get really defensive and angry. In october I couldn't take anymore of her or her parents. They have caused us so many problems. I moved in with my friends for a few weeks. She was always bugging me through emails, because I didn't want to have her yell at me through the phone. Well for Halloween she sent me a picture of her in a sexy fairy costume that she would of never worn while with me, even if I begged. Her female best friend and her went to the rocky Horror picture show, and guavoween together. She sent me a picture of her at like 7pm and then I didn't hear from her again until the next morning. She says that nothing happened, but she still would pester me about it for a bit, and she finnaly stoped because I told her if she did I wouldn't ask about that anymore. We made a mends and I moved back in, but things have been so weird. Also when we first got together she said that she hadn't been with anyone in a year and a half before we got together, but then when I came back she told me that she slept with her ex-boyfriend she had dated for 4-5 years a month before we got together, and thats why he always buged her to be "friends" with her. I have always been faithful to her. I do play my video games more then she likes, and I lie about little things, like me buying a pack of smokes for myself, so she won't yell at me. Well since I came back she acted weird to get me back. Like I begged her non-stop for a lap dance for my birthday, and she would never do it. To get me back she did one for me. That she learned from watching the girls at the rocky horror picture show. But I have had a gut feeling that something is wrong, or that she has cheated. One day I brought up if she ever had, since I was curious since she just told me about the ex-boyfriend, and she said if I kept asking then she would cheat on me to shut me up. Yesterday she went home early from work, and I was suppose to get a game. I asked her today if she was hiding anything from me, and she blew up on me. She said one thing I can't get out of my head. She said that the stuff that happened in the past can't be changed, and we should just move on. Yet this morning I had scratched my neck, and she had a attitude and accused me of having someone scratching my neck. She is always a more aggresive person. Also she got a new job and for about 3 months she talked about one man for three months straight. I asked her about him, and she said I didn't have to worry because he was a very fat man, and was just divorced and he didn't want a relationship. I proposed to her because she said that if I did then she would be sure of our relationship like I was, and stop asking if I was cheating on her. yet she didn't. Also I just put the downpayment on our wedding. Yet she still did it again. I've known to many cheaters, and don't want to go down that road. I wouldn't care if she has cheated, but I can't deal with the lieing. I only started doing the little lies after she lied to me, and started to yell at me every chance she could. Any idea if she has cheated, or is  to unhappy for us to salvage our future plans. Also she never wanted to have kids, but she agreed to it when I was gone, and talked about it a lot, but now doesn't seem to want them again.

Answer
Hi there Will, Thank you for all of the detail, sometimes people are shy and say too while afraid of saying too much.

The thing is with suspicions, usually you can follow them. Underlying all of our interactions with people, we have picked up over our lifetime subtle non verbal cues that make us aware of different personality types. You can sometimes just FEEL like you've shaken hands with a dirt bag or that guy just SEEMS like he's been to prison. We pay attention to those pretty quick. But when it is someone close we are a little more blind to it. We love them, trust them, and are embarrassed to think we were wrong about them.

Usually when I'm answereing these, I'm reading your story, but also how things are said. I'm tyring to pick up on what you already know but can't quite see or accept.

I think your suspicions are based on good enough ground.

The thing with cheaters is, it's absolutley not something you can take personally. It usually has some very deeply rooted issues.

The cheating is ALWAYS to do with low self esteeme ( ego and esteeme are very different ) The person want's you, they get you. Then deep down they realize that there must be something wrong with you to like them, that is where the disrespect begins.

Now there are a couple different types of cheaters. There are the "greener pastures" ones, they are constantly seeking something better, and you, a step in the ladder. They go on until reality hits them hard enough to realize they've gotten as good as it gets. Some "settle" and some get their heart broken and either reunite years down the line or become serious about the next one. I was once one of these.

The other major type are the "collectors" Some people genuinley love the one they are with and have every intention of staying, but can't help but flirt and cheat. It is as a conquest to find as many as possible, the higher the number the more they percieve thier own value. This doesn't mean sex per-say. Which is why that sucks "were just friends" "nothing happened" They may emotionally cheat while still being monogomous with you, but get very angry when you accuse them of what they aren't doing. Because it's not by technical terms cheating. But it's hurtful anyway. I once dated one of these.

There are other kinds. There are strickly the "get off" ones that aren't in it for emotions, just like multiple partners. But I think the first two there is one where your girl fits into. I cant read for sure which, but I lean toward the second one. Which may or may not include sex, and may explain why she talks in detail about these people.

It's all to do with self esteem. Usually from what I can tell, cheaters genuinley don't think they are doing anything wrong. They know it would be hurtful but they don't seem to have that connection in the brain that allows them to connect the pieces together. That is how a grown man can cry and say "I don't know why I did" They really dont. Now, I'm no doctor, but historically speaking humans became monogomous out of necessity in the wild. I don't personally think it was a natural monogomy like dolphins. In the wild the majority of species are not monogomous. Over time as a species humans have become trained to be monogmous and many happy, but there are stories throughout history of famous infedelities.

I was driving through my apartment complex today and saw a woman park an SUV in my culdisac, then walk behind several buildings to the other side. It made me wonder... how many people in just this complex are cheating? To humans it is definatly wrong to do, but when the numbers are that high, we may be setting ourselves up for desaster by expecting what may not be natural. (like how we yell at 16 year olds for sex when in the history of mankind they have married and reproduced at that age, as late as the 1900's even.) As much as we like to fight nature, it still usually wins.

Anyway the scary thing with cheaters is that their goals are not based on yours or mine. They are more based on a status thing then a "I love you and you love me" thing. They look for something that can make them feel more acceptable to society or make others feel jealous of them for who they own. It is based on others being objects than humans.

That may mean something, or sound like a load to you. My goal is to just throw out several possilities to help you hoan in on the situation. Even if you can categorize her and understand maybe what is happening, that doesn't fix the problem.

She is wanting kids now she is wanting to commit, she does love you and she probably feels awful that she can't be what you deserve. Deep down she knows and is trying to do better but, really could be sick. But she probably can't change either without real help. Is that a battle you are willing to face the rest of your life?

You might start by becoming the "chased" instead of the chaser. THis isn't done by making her jealous like most people try to do. It has to do with actually letting go a bit of your emotion, and disconnecting. Her main goal is still you, if she feels she is really loosing you she will focus on that. Like when you were seperated and she e-mailed all the time, her anger is mixed with fear and that fear is hand in hand with love. I can't say she didn't screw around on the break but it would have been to try and not think about you. If you can emotionally pull away, quit asking about the cheating. That is more concerning because it shows you may just not even care any more. Pause the wedding plans, say you've moved back in but need to still think things over. When she is acting up just become non interested.

Though this is just a distraction, you might distract her forever, but it does not fix the problem.