Expert: Elise - 1/21/2010

Question
Hi Your insight into another girls question was very thought provoking and she and I have the same type of man. The one who loves you and doesn't want to lose you yet he still messes around.  I do believe I am his number one but not his only one like you said. Your antidote was an open relationship so that he will notice your lack of interest and realize that he risks losing you. I know you said that it can take years, and I believe my guy is worth it. I just want to know is this still working for you and are you still seeing other men.  How does your open relationship look basically?

Answer
Gina,
THe goal of an open relationship isn't to make him jealous. But it does emotionally distance you from him enough to feel as if he is loosing you. What it does more so is lets him learn and grow in the area he is curious about while not loosing him.
Either you will grow to appreciate the open relationship, or he will decided he wants you exclusivley. Chances are both lol.

I like to look at the box, instead of in the box or outside of it. I sat in my parking lot the other week steeling some wi-fi lol. And this lady pulled up next to me in a SUV. I watched her as she got out of the car, by-passed the building in front of us, cut through the playground, behind the main offices and then over to a building in a completley different cul-de-sac. It made me wonder how many people in my apartment complex alone were cheating. If I've had 4 serious relationships and 2 cheated... and every friend of mine has dated a cheater... well...

If so many people cheat - is it a sign of the declining morals in man-kind. Or is it a look at the ugly truth of human nature?

I am a big fan of open relationships for that reason. I keep a system of rules to keep things neutral. Like, even though we are open to others - we don't involve each other in it. I keep my things private and so does he. People aren't alloud in the house and It needs to be clear to whoever we are seeing the agreement so that noones feelings get hurt thinking it's more. Guys tend to be ok with it. But I've had a few times where a girl was mad because she thought she might still win him. For that it's important he shows more caution like not leting them know where you two live or where he works.

Anyway, It's more like an understanding between the two of us that it happens - but things are still hidden. Kind of like how you spray the room after you take a number 2.

But instead of worrying if he is texting a girl - I know he probably is but he still smiles for me and comes home to me. And I'm probably texting a guy or two also.

To me my boyfriend is a life partner, like a brother you can cuddle with or a best friend you have sex with. lol if the goal is to spend the rest of your life together then why not experience life still. He is home when I am and we cook dinners together, don't have to wear makeup for. Yet I can still have the thrill-of-the chase with that cute boy at the gas station. OH! and I don't have to care if the boy is a loser living with his mom because I'm not looking for love. It's getting your cake and eating it too.

Now my recent relationship did still fall through. So you can call it a success or a failure. But he came home high one day - which is like my only no-no and he swore he wasn't. Even though he spoke jibberish and fell asleep in the bathroom. In that I realized with him it wasn't about cheating. It was about getting away with a lie and I don't think you can fix that...