Expert: Elise - 1/6/2010

Question
QUESTION: Hi Elise,

I am 27 and my husband is 29. We have been married 18 months after dating for three years. During the time we dated, I found out that my husband was either contacting his ex, looking for her or contacting her mother. Right before we married, I found two emails between them. My parents had us come over and discussed the commitment we were about to make. My husband promised them that he would never contact his ex again. Last Tuesday I found out that they have been texting and calling each other for almost a year. She had wanted to meet with him when she flew into our city but he told her he had to work. She lives about 1000 miles away. I moved out for the last week to clear my head. I have moved back in and we will begin counseling soon. I called the ex yesterday and she swears that she doesn't want him back and he says the same. She says they are just friends and that their relationship was horrible. Her boyfriend (of three years) broke up with her when he discovered the texts so he obviously thinks something is going on. Do you have any suggestions?

ANSWER: That is tricky babe!
There has GOT to be a way of contacting the ex of your husbands ex. He would be a great key to this mystery and might know more to the story than you do. There has got to be a paper trail somewhere on her facebook or something. You can always create a fake account and add them to get more details. Most people don't look too close at who they add - using the photo and name of someone already on his account is a gauranteed ad also.

anyway...

Now I've been in relationships where there were gut feelings that he may be cheating, and I've been in relationships where the idea is absurd. You deep down already know if he is capable of it, and deep down you probably already know if it's true or not. Its fear that keeps you from fully admiting what you already know and probably why you are holding out for more "proof"

She may truly be a friend. But chances are probably more. My best friend had an ex with an ex, they snuck around her back talking and texting, he swore over and OVER again that they were just friends, and so did she. Then one day she came home and he had packed all his stuff and got on a greyhound to Maryland - we lived in Michigan at the time - probably about 1000 miles away too...

Because marriage does add technical complications it would be wise to hold out until you CAN get real proof. If you can prove infedelity you can get out nicely and probably keep most of the stuff.

You didn't mention kids but if there are any, just know growing up and watching a man be mean to their mommy is more mentally damaging to development than growing up with out one.

-Elise

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Elise,

Thanks so much for your wonderful and complete answer. I can contact her ex through Facebook. I know his name and I will try to do that. I think the fact that they were planning to meet was enough for him, but he may know more.

No, we don't have kids and we won't until this behavior stops.

This is the point that bothers me. I have told him if he contacts her again, I will leave him, as in divorce. Yet, he does it. Doesn't that mean that he is choosing her? Even if the texts and phone calls are innocent(and they may be) he still takes a chance that I will walk out. He has admitted to the contact but he denies any feelings for her. Do you think if he had no feelings for her he would continue to contact her behind my back?

ANSWER: Excellent! Even if her ex doesn't know more... it sounds sexist but you can trust in a man's instrinct on things of that nature. The emotions are still strong - but men are a little better at self preservation. He may be priceless support in something like this... he could be hot too! lol - just kidding

With him contacting her - no, that doesn't mean he is choosing her, he is choosing you because he is still with you and trying to be. What he is choosing is himself. And himself feels wants bad enough the affection of two females and has deep down decided it is worth the risk. The sticky point here is if you forgive him - he will just know he can get away with it - making the risk even more worth it. But if you don't forgive him you are without him.

You sound younger and pretty level about everything. This may be out of the question, but had you considered an open relationship? Ive had a few boyfriends I could talk into it and if gone in with a good level head it's actually great. You can have the fun of the chase while still having the comfort of someone at home at night. Right now his behavior is threatening because it is seen as him looking for something better. When really - he's just looking for something on the side. If your out finding fun too and coming home at night, that gives him the same threat as you feel- it levels the field, and well, makes it so he's not "Cheating" any more. He will probably fight it but you could make that the ultimatum. In reality, you could also be looking for his replacement in a much less heart-breaking circomstance. I understand too if that is out of the question lol.


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Elise,

No, we are pretty conservative or I am. I don't want an open relationship and I know he won't, at least not openly. I think you are exactly right about the  
fact that he just wants to feel like two woman want him. He is very selfish. But, he also can't walk away from her.

Her ex IS hot! He doesn't live here though and so no go on that. But she was a fool to risk losing him. He might have been looking for a way out because she wanted to get married so maybe he just used this as an excuse. I have sent him a message so we will see.

Thanks for your help.  

Answer
I thought I would toss that out there as an idea anyway.

With your husband, he may not physically ever cheat or he may be capable of it if opportunity arises, you may or may not ever be ok with his emotional cheating. The main thing for you is to take your time, know you don't have to make such a big decision right now. He was wrong and you can wake up tomorrow and be over it, or take the next 5 years and decide you can't do it. But you are in control.

Really ask your self too... is this girl special to him? Or just convenient? Will he do this when the new secretary throws herself at him or when another ex calls? Or is this really just about her?

Please feel free to keep writing if more comes up. If it says there are too many follow ups just start a new question.

Talk to you soon.