Expert: Elise - 1/20/2010

Question
I am 24 and met a guy a few years ago. I liked him right away but we are both married. My husband ended working fir his firm and we were all friends. I kept my feelings to myself and vis versa. Than about 2 years later we all went out to a retreat. The second night we all got drunk my husband and his wife passed out and well we ended up having sex.  He told me after to take care of my hubby because he is a good guy! I was confused. Suddenly he starts acting strange. One example was when he yelled at me for dancing sexy with a friend of his, well he was all out friends. I was stunned. I followed him to his car. He was rude and told me he was married with kids so leave him alone. I did!  About 4 months later I ran into him. He was kind and kept touching me. I was stand offish. He said it was so great to me see. I was glad we made amends because my husband was still working at his firm. Well I saw him again a few weeks later and he kept telling me how much  he liked me. I was drunk and asked if he would like to go have sex again. He said he cant he had to get home. His wife kept calling him on cell.  I than referred to our “night” as Fuc*ing and he got upset. He wondered why I would say that? Again I was confused.  Well time passed and I saw him once again . I was always the one trying to get him in bed again but he seemed scared or something? Anyway. The last time I saw him  I gave him one last offer. He said he would love to but I would tell. I laughed! We had that affair 2 years earlier and there was no reason I was gonna tell., but always had a felling he would. Anyway, long story short. My husband stopped working for him and we decided to move to California. The other man found out next thng I know he told his wife about us! She came to my home and said she caught him with another woman and he told her about us! I was so shocked. She sais he had so much guilt he just had to tell! I doubt that but whatever. My life is  now ruined. Why would he tell. Why after 2 years! I was the one who felt he always would because he wanted to ruin me or my marriage but everyone always told me guys don’t do that plus he wouldn’t want to lose his family and his money (half is business). I need to know why? She stayed with him and I left to California…I denied affair but ended up admitting it, but now I am alone, and my life is in ruin. Why would someone do this?  

Answer
Dede,
I would put my money on him and his wife having rocky points to begin with. He sounds like he may cheat to feel like he is still desireable when she pushes him away. This could account for him pushing you away when you offer. Because they are getting along. He may have had some genuine feelings for you but it sounds like he has some self esteme issues and used your affection to re-affirm himself. It sounds crazy, a man in his position. But if you look at Jennifer Anniston - sexiest woman in the world one year and she still can't keep a man - they all cite reasons that show how poorly she thinks of herself.
I think he cheated to fill that void and his guilt was real. He probably does feel awful about it and is trying to make it better and force himself to behave. He probably wont though.

Is it too late with your husband? I don't mean is he gone - I mean is all emotion dead and there is no way to get him back.

Is it too late to say something to him like his boss threatened you to have sex? That sounds very shifty but if you wouldn't cheat again it may buy you that second chance. I'll await more of the story.