Expert: Kate Rosling - 10/20/2010

Question
QUESTION: So I have being on this relationship for more than 3 years, about a week ago I had a sleep over his place to celebrate his birthday but I was tired and my blood pressure was low so my energy and entusiasm wasn't much. He was kinda mad at me we fight before I left on sunday and well, on the afternoon he whent out with some friends he said, I was cool with it no problem at all, then on Tuesday, dunno why, I decided to check his celphone, I have easy access to it because I have the key to his locker at work (we work on the same place) and well on the inbox messages nothing special, on the outbox, there was one message he sent to a girl that was more or so like this: "Not fair you can sleep today and I have to work!! by the way pretty girl, you are a great kisser"
My hole world crashed down, my heart broke on millions of billions of pieces, I whent to his place of work and confronted him, he did not deny it but said that it was just that, a kiss, nothing more, I asked him why he sent a message at 5 am he said becuase it had just passed like 2 hours since they stoped drinking, I told him not enough explanation he said he agreed he seemed very sorry of what he did, said he was going to tell me but he wasn't sure of how, I just toked of the place, during this week we have talked a bit, but not that much, i have told him and asked him about everything of his behavior that seems very odd and hard to trust (he likes to have his space and I have giving it to him) right now we are in a kinda time, we being together for over 3 years, we passed through heavy stuff and were able to go over it. It's not the first time he cheated on me when we had like 3 months dating, that I kinda understand beucase I broked up with him for a week because I had a lot of stuff on my house and was afraid of how my family would react to know I have a bf (my family is very square and the only way for me to have a bf is if he is the prince of wales!!! even do I'm 22) I punished him on that time for what he did and we managed to get over it, now I don't know, all the stuff of "you are young and beautifull, you will find some one else, once a cheater allways a cheater" don't stop runing my head but still I really love him and I don't want to give up so easly.
Please help me here girl! how can I trust again when that trust was broken, what can he do or should he do to make me trust in him again?

ANSWER: It is one of those things that you have to go with your heart.  If you think he can change, and his is sincere about trying too, then let him.  But if when you talk to him about it, he pushes it off like he did nothing wrong, then maybe his heart isn't in the right place.  Don't let him run all over you just because you love him.  Let him know this will not fly.  

Ask him what he can do to earn your trust back.  It is his issue to fix, not yours.  If he loves you he will do whatever it takes to gain that trust back.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: thanks for the answer but I have another question, I saw that you know about psychology, can you help me with some steps or tips or something to rebuilt my trust in him and in other people? what can I do to get better?
and what can he do or what should I look for in him as a change to trust him again?
If you have time and can asnwer this I will love you for ever, if you can't well thanks anyways for all.
Take care, Blessed be

Answer
The best way for you to regain the trust you had is for him to prove himself to you.  

You have to forgive him first.  People make mistakes, and if he is worth keeping, you have to understand this.  

Stay in the present moment, and once you discuss the issue thoroughly, don't continue to bring it up.  Just focus on building the relationship back up and recharging the love you had.

Take it slow as well, you are not going to trust him completely right away, but give him the benefit of the doubt when needed.  Don't think about what he is doing in a negative way, like when he says he is going out with friend.  Ask him what time he will be back, and if he is not back by then, give him a call.  If he doesn't answer, question him when he gets home, and tell him that if he keeps doing stuff like that then you won't be able to trust him.

Hope that helped.