Expert: Elise - 2/1/2010

Question
I had been with my boyfriend for about a year, we jumped into things way too fast. Lived together after three months. We ended up moving into a smaller apartment and that's when things went downhill. A little background of him is that he was in the Army, fell for an underage girl when he was in his mid twenties, which ended in his being discharged and on probation. That was the lowest point of his life, and apparently he was finally moving past it with me, although we had issues with communication in our relationship which drove us apart. He freaked out because we moved way too fast and it felt like we were "married," and our entire lives revolved around one another which made us very codependant and unhealthy. A little while after we moved into a smaller place another younger girl came and he left me for her which he's later said was because he freaked out about us, and she reminded him of the girl who ended up getting him kicked out of the army. He soon realized what a mistake he made and got rid of her. I feel like we've found each other again and have connected on a deeper level than ever before. I want to learn to rebuild that trust. I understand where it came from now, and I'm not mad anymore. But I don't know how to forgive him, or move past it. I dno't think it's fair to jump into anything until I have. We both want to do it right this time, I just need some advice on how to deal with this situation and get past it and onto a healthy relationship.

Answer
Well you seem smart - a thinker. You know all the right words for the situation. Could that be part of the problem? Lets stop and look "at" the box instead of in or out of it :)
Rather than why he left with that girl - why was he even attracted to her or the minor that got him kicked out? I'm not sure your age but Myself at 20 and a boy of even 17... well that's just not thinkable. Its not the number its the maturity level. Most people feel that way and that is why it is illegal.
So what is his interest in that age group? Nooooormally it's control issues. Men attracted to far too young of girls tend to have low self worth and doubt themselves - and are intimidated by women their own age. Where as young girls will find his age exciting enough on its own.
So what has that to do with you? Well if your a smart woman - with it together - the right words for every situation and the ability to analyze the facts... well despite your age you may not be what he bargained for.
Of course he can love you as much... but myself personally am sort of in that same category and find its easy to de-masculinate a man without trying, and to have a man who is having confidence issues to begin with... make that a double wammy.
Now not a bit of that means that you are responsible! You should be proud to be a strong woman! But as the one in the seat of wisdom between the two, you can consider it a burden to bear or a blessing you can locate and fix the problem.
I know men aren't actual dogs but the behavior is sometimes similar. For example I have a miniature pincher - i thought that leaving him free during the day would make him happy - but as I found out he just chewed the hell out of everything. When I put him in just my room he would laze about like he does when I am home and I found no destruction. I later learned that the anxiety made him nervous and the control actually made him happier. Men are similar - not that you need to control or lock them up... but providing comforts to him make him freak out less.

The best way to feeeeel like he isn't cheating is to know you have his full attention.
Ive found personally that despite my strong character there are a few things that tend to keep a man hypnotized.
Firstly, touch them all the time - not in a needy way... but run your fingers on his back or give it a few good scratches whenever he is near by - even for a few seconds. Like you would scratch the back of a kid who is giving you a hug. Your actually triggering that comfort reaction without hugging.
Secondly, back rubs. OMG they work so well. I don' t mean lay him down but stop and squeeze his shoulders every now and again. If he asks remind him its rude in a "momma knows best" voice and it shouldn't become on your list of things to do lol.
Thirdly, sex. oooof course. that. Snap a hot camera phone photo of you now and again and mail it to him. I took a very cute one in the bath once - where nothing was even seen and he kept that as his wallpaper on his phone for the longest time. And of course - he couldn't dare take a call from a girl with that as a wallpaper lol.
Fourth - SMELL this one is HUGE like FREEKING HUGE! People always ignore this one. Make a point to have a few different perfumes. Instead of thinking them as of "oh its friday I feel like lavender" think of it as to suit your intentions. When you are feeling in love the deepest wear one, when feeling fun something different. But most importantly pick a smell for when you are mad! You ever have a smell that reminds you of summer time? Grandmas house? Or turn your stomach because it smells like an ex?
Well you don't want your smell to remind him of the fight last night. Have a "Fighting" smell and when you wear the "love" one the next day... he will melt again. HAHA I had an ex who once as we walked past the cinabun cart at the mall he said "god that stinks! I used to love those too" we joked he may be pregnant but really it's because my fight perfume was cinnamon and spice or something like that lol. Also, it's like murder if you break up. I was so mad at my one ex for cheating that I sprayed his house with my Tommy Girl (hey it was like 8 years ago!) including his bed. He called crying like a baby in 3 days and again every day for a week. I think it took that long for the smell to wear off. LOL yeah...
Fifth - Final - Men like to be useful. Like how women like to feel desirable. I think it's got something to do with the old hunting gathering lifestyle like it's ingrained in them. If you ask them something simple and fast and then praise them far beyond what is necessary - and brag about him to others how you couldn't live without him... OH you've got a man at your heels then. Yeah that one is kind of gross I don' t like it either... buuuut it works. So well that my grandma brags she has never had to open a jar in her life or change a lightbulb... and my grandpa is the happiest man on the planet lol

ANYWAY
Sorry I really get going.

Anyway like I said this isn't because you need to change. But in this you might feel like you are working toward something with a plan while he finds himself some balls again. Once you've caught his full attention you can then start working on his confidence. I've noticed it's the woman who can make him feel like a man is the one he will stay with and everything else will just be a flirt in his past. So to have a real woman make him feel like a real man is better than just feeling older than any little girl walking past with a wink.

What do you think that means for hugh hefner? lol - anyway sorry i got so long but I hope it helps!!!