Expert: Elise - 2/9/2010

Question
HI:
My husband cheated 1 year ago, it was in my house with a friend, at my birthday celebration that fell on Valentines Day. At the time I was heavily pregnant with our second daughter. He was seeing by a third party who alleges that he was the recipient of oral sex.

He was confronted by the third party and her partner the following day, when i also found out. To say that i was upset and heartbroken is a mild statement. i have never felt so betrayed and insulted in my whole life. We have been together for 10 years and he disrespected me in my own home on my birthday!

His excuse was that he was drunk, she came onto him, and that he pushed her away, he refuses to own up to anything further. Had I not had any children, i know that i would have broken up with him that instant. Instead i freaked out about being so pregnant, and what would i do with a newborn and a 2 1/2 year old, so i chickened out and although things were strained, i stayed. I concentrated on the new baby, then he had an operation and i nursed him through that too. Our sex life became almost non existent.
Now its been a year, in the last couple of months i have started to withdraw even more. I seek solace in books and spend a lot of time by myself once the girls are in bed. All the anger and hurt has resurfaced, i know i dont feel the same anymore, part of me loves him but the other part screams at me for not leaving when it all happened. I feel no sexual attraction for him, he says i have to want to work at our relationship, but then, what have i been doing all this time? He walks around like he is the victim, im feeling manipulated by guilt. I asked for time to myself to reflect on what i want but he's not really allowing me anything. Im so confused and scared.

Answer
Honey, you can take all the time you need. For starters. He has no right to rush you to "try" or rush you to decide anything. He is the wrong one in the scenario and there is no timeline necessary. You can take the next 10 years deciding or TRYING and then one day decide you can't, with no discredit to you.
Don't you forget that!
Now looking critically at the situation answer honestly. Is this other woman known for tramping around or is it more likely there was some mutuality between them? Is she really the type to just shove someone on a bed and begin fellatio? I only ask because... I mean, really, you know he wasn't raped.
I'm sure your issue is more the lie than the actual act... deep down. It's the betrayal. Because really you know he wouldn't ever leave you for that woman. You're not at risk of loosing him to the first hussy that walks by. You're grieving and he is still by your side I'm sure sometimes crying with you (or in his privacy) and sometimes showing aggression about it. But it's still concern however he shows it.
Equally, your still there not because of your girls but because you do love him, and deep down you do want it to be better again. You just don't know how to get there.
And he doesn't know how to make it better either. But recognize why you really are there, and recognize why he still is.
Bottom line is... neither of you want or deserve to spend the rest of your lives like this. Just as your two girls don't need to grow up and learn how to stick with someone they can't stand to teach their kids about stability. Your doing this probably because your mom did it. It's a noble enough cycle but it only hurts everyone in the process. Your girls will learn to be happier in life if you teach them to follow their hearts, and you can't tell them to follow their hearts while you don't follow yours. Teach them to love... not tolerate.
And begin your life again! If it's with him or with another man... You're not putting the next 20 years into your girls for them to run off and be grown and get cheated on and cry in misery. Just as your parents didn't put all that love and time into you. If you can't care for yourself enough to demand all the happiness you deserve, demand it for those who invested in your upbringing.
Really you know you want it to work with this man. Really you do want it to go back to when you could trust him, and perhaps fall deeper in love than ever before, get married and live happily ever after.
Really you need someone to tell you what you've been needing to hear - and thats not "dump his ***" from your friends.
You can see relationships as many different things. Is he "my boyfriend" or is he a life partner? To agree to share your life with someone means you are sharing theirs too. Maybe he did agree with that woman and think he would get away with it. Maybe he may have thought of doing it again. Maybe he learned that lesson. Maybe it was a honest mistake. Maybe it might end up being the worst mistake of his life.
I hear a lot of cheating stories and this doesn't sound like the serial cheater who is just looking to prowl while a woman supports him. This sounds like a man who did something awful and is willing to spend the rest of his life making up for it. This also sounds like the words from a woman who will fall in love again and be better for it.
Look for signs of cheating further, but I say let yourself begin to forgive. The only thing holding it back is your forgiveness. But like my papa says.. never forgive twice!