Expert: Elise - 2/2/2010

Question
I have been married for close to 10 years.  I was always pretty good about being monogamous in all of my other serious relationships prior to getting married.  I came from a childhood where I saw how cheating hurt & split my own parents up and never wanted that for myself or any children I would have.  I met and married my husband very young, I was 23, he was 21, we dated for only 8 months before but I felt that he was the 'one'.  The marriage went south fairly shortly after getting married but I was determined to make it better somehow because I loved him.  I had made this committment, and I wanted to try to make it work.  I had unresolved feelings for an old boyfriend and we ran into each other and hooked up from a year into my marriage on and off for awhile.  We decided it was sex only, it was wrong and we stopped seeing each other.  I never got caught.  Soon after though, I found myself cheating constantly.  It was always just about sex though, I never wanted to see these guys other than to get off.  And I never got caught.  I decided this was a horrible way to live and I decided to leave my husband.  Then I found out I was pregnant (yes, it was my husband's) so I stayed.  I had another baby soon after and things were okay for a couple years.  I did my best to be good, but the marriage was still bad.  I started cheating again, and I decided to create and execute a plan to actually leave for good.  I talked to my husband and made it clear he and I were over and divorce was coming but that I wanted to remain friends for the sake of the kids and he could take as much time as he needed to get out of the house for financial reasons.  We didn't tell any of our family or friends what was happening.  It was surprisingly amicable.  We stopped sharing a bedroom.  We lived separate lives in the same house.  Soon after, I was at a party (about a year ago) and I got a little too drunk and so did a mutual married male friend of mine and my husband's I've always had the hots for.  I've known him as long as I've known my husband.  He told me he thought I was treated so wrong by my husband (our marriage was bad for a variety of physical abuse and alcohol abuse +++ reasons and was obvious to those around us) and had always had a thing for me.  I knew his marriage was bad too, but I also knew he wasn't looking to leave her at the time.  We hooked up and at first, just for sex, but as the months went on, we couldn't live without each other.  We would text each other 200+ times a day.  We emailed each other every night.  We talked on the phone everyday.  We would sneak out and spend whole nights together.  We would sneak and dine together, we would sneak and meet up for lunch during the week, he would send flowers to me at work.  He bought me gifts for my birthday and Christmas.  We connected on so many more levels than just sex, levels I never knew existed.  In fact, we didn't have lots of sex because we live over an hour away from each other and when we did see each other we talked more than anything else due to the time of day, circumstances, etc.  I felt like this man was made for me and he put me up on a pedestal.  For the first time in my life, I actually felt loved.  I loved him more than I ever loved anyone ever in my life.  I believed he felt the same for me.  We talked about where we would live, our wedding, having more children, everything.  I made it clear that I had planned on leaving my husband before I had hooked up with him and was adament that he not leave his wife for me, but leave because of their own problems and he agreed.  I didn't want the first fight to be "I left her for you and you suck...".  But he did leave her and moved out on his own due to their whole boatload of issues.  A few months later I decided to tell my husband, who is still in my house and has been dragging out the divorce using financials as the reason, but who was already very aware the marriage was over, that I loved his best friend.  I wasn't trying to hurt him, but trying to get him to let go and move on.  I finally wanted to be 100% free and be happy with my love.  I didn't tell my husband the months of cheating, he knew his friend and I were close anyway, and I wanted to spare him the pain of the details so I just told him that I realized I was in love with his best friend and I know it would be hard but I wanted him to accept it and be happy for us.  He called his best friend and confronted him, he was calm as I have ever seen him (which is unusual) and his best friend told him I was the love of his life and he loved me more than anything ever but that he couldn't ever be with me.  His best friend hasn't talked to me since I told my husband and that was nearly a month ago.  I was floored - it was the complete opposite of everything we ever talked about.  Everything I thought we had went away just like that and with no reasoning.  He never told me we would never be together.  My husband still talks to his best friend everyday.  He seems to think that he is scared of what all of our mutual friends will think or say.  He also thinks he's worried about his soon to be ex's children.  They aren't technically his biological children but he's raised them from a young age and if she finds out he's with me she'll never let him see them again.  But my husband says he still tells him he will always love me.  I have tried emailing and calling a couple of times just asking for a what happened - no response.  I am devastated and I just don't know what happened or why he won't even speak to me.  I have never in my life had such a hard time getting over someone - I spend whole evenings crying on the couch, partly because I just don't get what happened.  My husband has been really good to me, despite the crappy situation.  Just listening to me talk about it, trying to be nice to me when I cry.  He feels responsible for me falling in love with someone else because he was a terrible husband.  Now I've heard my love is going back to his soon to be ex wife because she told him she has cancer (she's pulled this before when he's left prior).  I hope she's not sick but I have a feeling she's pulling another stunt.  She still doesn't know about me.  I know I could end them if I tell her but I don't want to be 'that girl'.  He told my husband as much as he loves me he feels obligated to her.  But I miss him terribly - not only as my lover but I miss my friend.  I can't eat, sleep, work, I have never in my life been this miserable.  And I just can't figure it out.  Not sure how he could shut me out of his life completely and be okay with just walking away.  What do I do?

Answer
Honey, don't take this the wrong way... I mean this in the most fabulous way possible... who needs movies when we've got life?

First things first, you're still single. Single for the first time in 10 years... granted you still took liberties - you haven't in your adult life been able to have a romance that wasn't a romeo and Juliet scenario. Not one fling that you could openly scream to the universe... I am in love! ... or lust! ...or I LOVE HIM THIS WEEK BUT I FORGOT HIS NAME - which is my personal favorite!

23.. aye... fields and fields of men before you and you vow your love to one... it's beautiful, poetic, what is expected.

What do I think you should do? Pick up where you left off. Dust off those dancing shoes.... all the world a dating pool and your ready to go swimming! ...33... my best friend and now room mate is 33 and starting over and she plows through the club like a monster. I'm happy your still so young.

He may come around, he sounds just a bit dramatic and confused and may call out to you down the road. He also sounds like he got caught up in love and not in a reality he is willing to make happen. spineless.

As for cheating... I've said it a million times if I've said it once... 48% admit to have cheating at least once... nearly half the population. Really... is that a decline in morals... or is it just the ugly reality that perhaps humans aren't monogamous animals? Dolphins... penguins... monogamous... and you don't see them cheating do you? It's not about morals... its about nature and we just may be going against ours to be "good".

You know what I see too... you've got some kids... Some might say you need to settle down and be this or that for them.  But why did you have such a hard time leaving your husband to find real love? Probably cause your mom didn't. or didn't until much later...
My sister once came to me with this one... she loved her ex but her husband was all the great things a man should be. I said to her... how can our daughters learn to follow their hearts if we don't follow ours? Sure it's crazy and irresponsible... but at the same time why resign your life - so you can teach your kids to do the same?

You know... this is ultra fem and I don't like to go there... but have you seen the movie "under the tuscan sun?" Well Diane Lane's character is crying most of the movie and we are supposed to love her and her bravery... but it's the lady in the red hat that makes me love this movie. She's spontaneous... flew around the world by the seat of her pants and is nothing short of the forces of a tornado. A gay man trapped in a womans body! That which we all envy and which we are all capable of.

What has doing everything right gotten you? Not a story worth remembering - well no thats a doozie of a story... but when your 80 looking back I hope it's not the highlight you know?

I don't mean run out and do drugs or become an alcoholic. But why don't you try and discover just how small the world is? Take a trip to the next city over and have dinner or get lost in the woods to find the mom and pop diner. If you've loved twice you can love a hundred more times. Not one will ever bet he same... but each one will bring something new that you've never seen before and treat you in a way you have never been before.

But... they call me a little crazy too ;)