Expert: Elise - 2/18/2010

Question
Hi Elise,

please tell me what you think about this relation ship.

Me and my Girlfriend (Christabel) been together for 3 years and 10 months together. at first it started beautiful i mean i was 18 and she was 13 i think but we liked each other and turned into love! After a while i got a job and everything was ok until i heard her say that she was seeing patient number 1 that means the 1st guy named Randy. they said they were friends but i saw it differently since hes always calling her and she wants to meet him etc and i was the good boyfriend that says yes just to see her smile! until after words she asked him if he liked her and he said yes! she met with him again as friends but after a while it dropped! 2nd patient in was a guy named Norbert who was in her same collage. They were friends and stuff although the messaging never stopped. i told her about him and she just said she was friends with him and that he doesn't care about him as that! once she rang me up at about 2 in the morning and told me to come pick her up at the bus station and when i saw her, she was crying and when asked, she said she cheated on me with Norbert. and not once either. she said she told me that she was going with her friend to buy somethings but she met him instead because he was a good friend! anyway, i forgave her and moved on!

recently meaning January, 2010, i was sick with flu and stuff and made the extreme 3 weeks at home. not once did she come and visit btw. but still, i rubbed it in and i forgot it not until we had a week break and to top you up, it was our 3rd which one of them ended up with me at home missing her and she on the mouth of her friend but since we were on break i didn't count it! getting back, while on the 3rd break, i hanged with a couple of friends and 1 of them told me that the third patient named Ranier told her at her own school that he kissed my girl but the thing is that it wasnt on our break, but when i was sick! i confirmed it with 2 other guys which they told me the story exactly as it is and i almost broke up with her. BUT since i love her too much i'm still with her!

It got me here, 1 week after, typing this to you, with a bottle of whiskey, a broken twice heart, and couldn't sleep unless drunk because images torment me in dreams..

What should I do?

Answer
You know, I'm from America. I do my best to keep morals and religion out of my responses. But the drastic difference between your ages makes it very difficult for me as an American to give a response that might suit your cultural differences. I understand that in many countries the appropriate age range is very different and I am not one to judge other cultures.
I can say, that for me personally, as a 27 year old, I don't date younger than 24 - and that is pushing it. Because a lot of changes happen in a persons personality between 18 and 24 and I'm not patient enough to wait for a man to develop. Just as a lot of differences happen between 13 and 17 as she has been going through. Not just her body changes, the chemicals in her mind, and her view on life might change every 6 months. They are supposed to - this is how we grow and learn.
The bottom line is, cultural differences or not, you are not dating the same person as when you first met. How could she be? The brain development alone from 13 to now literally millions of new neurons have connected and it is still not done growing. Actual physical puberty doesn't end until 24. She is struggling to be faithful to you as she is trying to experience what being an adult is before she is ready.
Now I understand there are cultural differences in play here so I'm not going to lecture, but she is still a human. My good friend, he was in a similar situation where he was 17 and his girlfriend 13, they stuck together for 14 years and had 3 kids together throughout that time. Now that they have separated she is, for all intents and purposes still a 13 year old kid. This is because while her brain was literally still growing and forming she learned to rely on someone financially, emotionally and physically and never actually grew into an adult. While others in adulthood think critically about situations and what will best suit others around them. She simply did not grow beyond the need to fulfill herself. Just as a 13 year old would begin eating dinner first in a selfish manner... despite mom cooking a beautiful meal and father earning the beautiful meal - she still feels entitled as a the child. Where now this 27 year old woman should be cooking the meal and happily serving her children, she still feels entitled as the child to be first. And her children are neglected.
(she does drugs and steals clothes from her 12 year old daughter... selfish as a 12 year old!)
Does this make sense? Your girlfriend may not be a mother yet, but she may still be feeling entitled to taste and sample all the flavors life has to offer with the carelessness of a 13 year old sticking their finger in a birthday cake to taste the frosting. Despite who it may hurt.
But that is a part of life - she cant learn what things are worth if most is given to her. She cant learn what being alone is like if she always has someone. And she can't treat someone she is with well if she doesn't know the value of it... having never had to earn it.
The only real answer for this is to let her be a kid a while so she still can... let her finish that phase in life, so she can grow into an adult woman. She can't do that if she has a boyfriend 5 years older than her holding her hand through the dangers and protecting her. If you care for her you should think about letting her go a while. Despite all things you are a key person in her development and you will always be in her heart and suit her better, and know her better than any man ever will. Let her be a kid so when you are together you are with a woman, not a girl in a woman's body. She will come back to you having learned lessons and be faithful.