Expert: Elise - 2/16/2010

Question
Dear elisa,

First of all, I'm happy I found someone who can help me with my dilemma, to put it straightforward.
Almost four months ago, I met the man who is now my boyfriend. I enjoy being with him, having him over at my place, doing things together. He's getting along with my friends quite well. So for the most part, I'm happy with him.
Our sex life however, is quite boring. I'm not the most proactive when it comes to sex, but he is even more passive than me. If I don't initiate things, nothing would happen. My friends tell me to talk to him about it, but in my opinion, if this doesn't come naturally, how will it ever be fantastic? It'll feel forced or acted, or at least that's what I'm afraid of.
All in all, like I said, I'm happy with him, but I'm just sexually unsatisfied. Lately, I've considered cheating on him. I don't think I would feel guilty about it.

So what would you do if you're happy with your guy but the sex just isn't enough for you?

Answer
Oh honey don't ask me that question! I would get an open relationship going or cheat. To me sex is very important and not something I'm willing to live without for any reason. I mean really... it gets endorphins pumping more than any drug and its legal. You literally deny yourself happiness if you accept life without it!
You might consider the open thing while trying to see if you can't peak his interest. It sounds really fresh still and like you two haven't really had a lot of talk on the subject. (I once learned that after a year of cheating on my ex that... whenever we lay in bed and he twitch his foot that was him showing sexual frustration) Everyone is a little different
A lot of women get weird on pornography but see if you can't find any of his. If he's into the goth thing or something easy like that there is a ticket in for sure. A lot of men really like that stuff but don't date it for obvious reasons ...like they can't be introduced to mom? But if you dress for them now and again it becomes a fun little secret.
The thing is sexuality is chemical if he's gotten used to not doing much he's not gonna chase it much, on the other hand... the more you get the more you want. The ball will be slow to get rolling but once you get it going it will open up more.
Some strong psychology may get it going if its this new. Like next time you see him start commenting how different he seams - eyeball him up and down in a "i want that" way like he's just the hottest, like you might jump him now, and don't give up on it - do it for a week straight. he will slowly pick up on the draw... he probably doesn't know what it feels like to be wanted. Shy guy you said? I would say sexuality is chemistry and some just don't click - but I've gotten it to go the way I wanted with just some acting. Crooked smiles, lots of eye contact and eyeballing him all over is a good start, and a wink will take you miles. OH! and rub his back, like you would a kid that is crying and you are hugging them but just as he sits next to you or as you walk by for just a few seconds, or run your nails and scratch his back a second. Constant contact. The goal isn't to get him to drop his pants - but to get him thinking about it more and build up in him over a few days.

But don't talk about it unless you've run out of ways to show... with men you have to SHOW your intentions. I once read a study that men physically get ill when they have to talk - like when mom wanted them to explain themselves.
I recommend this now and again but it ALWAYS works for me. Just grab it. Like literally. just grab it when no one is looking then giggle and keep going with a sideways glance.

It's just with the cheating thing, it will end bad, he will be hurt - oh and never trust women again. If you have to there are plenty to judge you - I definitely wont, but try to make sure it's just for function and doesn't become a habit and your seeing 2 guys. In reality you two can form a connection... or he can find a girl who will accept him for his ways and love him too. Just as you can go find one that is everything you want.. No sense damaging people you know?